Gays Want Escorts........Ford Escorts!

Reversing its recent controversial decision, Ford Motor Company announced today that it will once again place advertisements for its vehicles in gay newspapers and magazines. Less than a week ago, Ford removed all advertisements from gay publications after being criticized by the right-wing American Family Association for pandering to sodomites and sinners.

However, in a blow to the gay population, Ford announced that it would only market its "high end" Jaguar and Land Rover vehicles to gays. This ignited a firestorm amongst the gay, lesbian, and transgendered community, who feel that they are being unfairly deprived of the opportunity to sample from Ford's extensive line of exceptionally built vehicles. A representative of the California based Association of Homosexual Ford Enthusiasts, issued the following statement:

"The gay population is frankly dismayed that Ford, a great American car maker, would deprive our community of the opportunity to sample from the entire spectrum of fine Ford automobiles. Sure, Jags and Land Rovers are great and all, but what about the Ford Focus, Ford Escort, and F250 Super Duty? Let's put it this way, unless and until Ford begins marketing their shitty cars in every f#%cking magazine in West Hollywood, they will be the target of boycotts and parades. Ford professes that all of its vehicles are "Built Ford Tough," but I guess they're not built tough enough for gays, huh.....the hypocrisy is astounding!"

Evidently, Ford has messed with the wrong interest group. Next time you see a homosexual rolling down the street in a 1987 Ford Falcon, remember this day in Civil Rights history.

Arnold v. Tookie

V.











Forget requests for clemency. Forget last minute pleas to the U.S. Supreme Court. The debate regarding whether to spare the life of Tookie Williams could have been settled quite easily, if the powers that be had simply listened to my suggestion: A no-holds-barred wrestling match between Tookie and the Governator. Except not the 60 year old gents we saw plastered on the news yesterday, but rather the 25 year old Arnold and Tookie of yesteryear. It could have been a pay per view event, with all of the money raised going to a special trust set aside for legal defense of the poor. If Tookie pins Arnold, then Tookie gets to live (life in prison, but still, at least it's a life). If Arnold pins Tookie, then Arnold can personally inject Tookie with the lethal chemicals designed to end his life. Now, that sounds fair. Right? More importantly, who wouldn't want to see that?

Everything is Perfectly Fine

Tired of the "depressing" news coming out of the world's foremost television, print, and online news sources?

Well, you now have an alternative..... HappyNews.com!!! It's news for people who prefer reading stories about "U.S. troops rescuing two cheetah cubs in Ethiopia" and the "induction of 12 people into the Hall of Fame for Caring Americans," as opposed to "bummer" stories about secret U.S. prisons, global warming, and the ever-increasing threat to a woman's right to choose. In other words, its news for people who choose to live in denial....people who spend their afternoons watching Oprah, and their evenings watching "reality" television.

That's right, the very same people who tune in to "The Bachelor" and "Nanny 911" because they are "real" have now elected to forego "real" news for stories with headlines like "Emily, the stowaway cat, is coming home." I've read the Book of Revelation, and I am fairly certain that this is one of the early preconditions for the Apocalypse.

Who wants to hear about massive General Motors layoffs and the record-setting pace with which the United States is executing its prisoners when one can read an editorial entitled "Cupcakes vs. Cookies: You be the Judge."

My only question is, what happens when an epic natural disaster strikes, such as the Tsunami of earlier this year? When a quarter of a million people lose their lives, how can the HappyNews.com editor honestly suggest that "Blind Student Learns to Play Volleyball" deserves a frontpage headline?

WWE Takes a Stand -- Against its Continued Existence

World Wrestling Entertainment announced today that it will institute random drug testing of its wrestlers. In the wake of the recent death of WWE Superstar Eddie Guerrero, the sports-entertainment company bowed to public pressure and decided to ensure its immediate irrelevance.

This is akin to MTV announcing that the new season of "The Real World" will consist of a diverse group of 70 year old geriatrics living in Palm Springs, CA who "stop being polite, and start wearing adult diapers". Or the Insane Clown Posse trading in colorful makeup and metal-rap for cardigans and shoe-gazing emo slop. Or NBC deciding to make a version of the "Apprentice" without Donald Trump....oh wait.

Never has a media company made a decision more dentrimental to its continued viability. Wrestlers use steroids. Wrestlers travel the country year round from city to city, drinking their faces off, chomping on amphetamines and generally turning themselves into gigantic, maniacal, nearly indecipherable masses of rage and sexual ambiguity. Well, those days have passed.

Apparently WWE's CEO, Vince McMahon, cares so much about the health of his wrestlers, that he's willing to sabotage the enterprise that he has pioneered for decades. Except....there is one problem. Has anyone looked at the 60 year old McMahon....his physique is on par with Barry Bonds' head as the clearest example of the physical transformation wrought by steroids.


It's like Bill Gates banning nerds from working at Microsoft. Or George Bush refusing to appoint wealthy, narrow minded people to his cabinet. Mr. McMahon has put himself in a very difficult situation.

The "reality" of Mr. McMahon's lifelong experiment has always been a sticking point for him. But when his employees start to die around him, he is left with no choice but to willingly expose the orchestrated reality of wrestling, and intentionally rob the "sport" of the very qualities which have contributed to its appeal for decades.

Some people will probably applaud the implementation of drug testing in the WWE. However, those people are not true wrestling fans. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, has known for years that professional wrestlers are creative in their use of "supplements," but only now, when someone dies, does the public act like its some sort of revelation, and call for a quick and effective response.

I'm sure that some of those people, like me, used to sit around their television on Saturday mornings with their "Hulkamaniac" T-shirts and cheer for their favorite superstar with reckless abandon. But now, as grown ups, those same people likely deny this fact, and refuse to admit that they too were complicit in the acceptance of widespread steroid use in professional wrestling.

I can't wait to turn on the TV a few years from now and see two slender, 175 pound grapplers, politely, and articulately discussing their disdain for each other. Now that's ENTERTAINMENT!

Hot For Teacher

Two California High School students were expelled this week for writing in their private journals that they desired to burn their teacher alive.

They didn't stop there:

The entries refer to gluing the teacher naked to a wall and cutting off her feet, and killing her family while she watches, according to court documents that quote partial excerpts.

I'm sorry, but this is the type of creative writing that we should be encouraging. If someone were to uncover my high school journal, it would probably look something like this:

"Today I asked Kelly to the dance but she's already going with Kevin which sucks because she's so hot but it's okay because I know that Sarah will always go with me but I'm not sure I really want to go with her so maybe I'll just stay home and play Nintendo instead. Anyways, don't have much time to write today 'cause we have a science club meeting ....BORING....but whatever!"

Plus, maybe the teacher is a real bitch. Did anyone think of that? Huh?

Hogging the Road

Two U.S. congressmen were injured today when their vehicle overturned on the way to the Baghdad airport. The congressmen were in Baghdad to meet with U.S. troops during Thanksgiving. It is indeed admirable that these congressmen (one Republican and one Democrat) made this journey to Iraq, a risk that too many politicians are unwilling to take. As these U.S. legislators hurriedly exit war-torn Iraq, one can only hope that our troops follow close behind.

However, one aspect of this roadway accident really stands out in my mind.....specifically, the way that U.S. military and governmental personnel have taken to hogging the roads in Iraq. I'm not sure I've ever encountered a more perfect metaphor for our arrogant world-policing than the following:

The politicians were riding in a box-like vehicle in a convoy. The convoy was taking up the middle of the road, a common practice used by the military to deter oncoming motorists. Shortly after dark, an oncoming truck refused to yield.

This incident is a microcosm of our foreign policy, particularly as it relates to the Middle East. We are playing a global game of "chicken," and we are not about to yield. We own the road. Everyone else is just traveling on it. As we profess to be spreading the values of democracy, cooperation, and mutual respect to Iraqi citizens, we're arrogantly running them off the road. And then we have the audacity to feign amazement at their inevitable road rage.

In the last two weeks we've learned about the existence of secret U.S. prisons in Eastern Europe, the intentional burning of deceased Iraqis, the use of lions to torture detainees, and the shooting of Iraqi civilians by armed contractors. In light of these revelations, it's easy to lose sight of the more subtle forms of aggression and abuse....like the refusal to share the road.

Like soccer moms in suburbans, our government truly owns the road.

Mixed Signals

I absolutely despise the phrase "sending mixed signals," because those who routinely employ this phrase simply prefer black and white explanations to what are quite clearly gray situations. I, on the other hand, am all about mixed signals...I've mixed more signals than a third base coach.

Those who complain about receiving mixed signals generally fall into three camps: 1) people who are simply too immature or ignorant to realize the subtleties and/or complexities of a given situation; 2) people who have been emotionally hurt and are merely hoping to stall the inevitable and/or arouse guilt in those that have hurt them; and 3) people who, while quite aware of the complexity of the situation, feign ignorance of said complexity in order to effectuate some sort of an agenda.

The important thing to remember is that "mixed signals" should not be confused with "hypocrisy." Mixed signals are a natural occurence, a mere consequence of being inquisitive, ambitious, compassionate, complicated and opinionated...in other words, of being human. Hypocrisy, on the other hand, is not about being human at all...rather, it's about paying lip service to a certain ideal while contemporaneously failing to uphold that ideal.

Here are some fun examples of the three above categories:

Category One: The Immature and Ignorant

Actually, since this category is solely comprised of people who are too dense to grasp the significance or import of any complicated situation, I'll elect not to come up with a clever example. Why make fun of the ignorant? I have no beef with them.

Category Two: The Hurt and Helpless

Now, here we go. Failed relationships are fertile ground for "mixed signal" accusations. Breakups are never easy, especially where one party is likely to be blindsided. However, inevitably, when a person is dumped, they will respond with something like "I don't understand how last week you took me to the wine country, and told me you loved me, and drew me a handmade birthday card, and then this week you need space...how can you change so quickly? I don't understand you." Believe me, I've been on both sides of this equation.

When you've been hurt, you immediately begin searching for what you may characterize as inconsistencies in your partner's behavior....ie. "how could you say/do this, and then turn around and say/do this?...At least one of your words/actions MUST be a lie!!!" It's a type of passive emotional violence which routinely surfaces as a last ditch effort to either a) guilt your partner into changing their mind, or b) punish them for hurting you.........neither of which are very desireable in the end.

Let's be honest with ourselves...romantic relationships are rarely, if ever, straightforward and effortless. Stick two moody, complex, sexual creatures together in a committed relationship and you will have yourself a case study in contradiction. When a person simultaneously desires "connection" and "freedom" you will inevitably throw off a few "mixed signals."

We are conflicted creatures. As far as I'm concerned there is nothing inconsistent about telling your partner that you love them, and then one minute later lamenting the fact that you can't jump the bones of the sexy coed that passes you on the sidewalk. There is nothing inconsistent about cooking your girlfriend dinner and, while seasoning the chicken, silently doubting whether you'll ever marry her. Show me someone who is 100% positive about and confident in their romantic relationship, and I'll show you a damn liar.

In the context of relationships, mixed signals are a healthy phenomenon. Who wants to date a passionless automoton whose intentions are as transparent as her lip gloss? So, here is my pledge...the next time a girl breaks up with me, I promise not to accuse her of sending "mixed signals" and I promise not to attempt to make her feel guilty or ashamed by suggesting that she must have been deceitful regarding her true feelings. I'll just assume that everyone else is as messed up in the head as me, and give them the benefit of the doubt.

Also, for those I may have hurt, please don't try to point out my inconsistencies. I'm well aware of them. But, if you must, please keep it to a mimimum. As a matter of fact, I'll carry a stopwatch. I will give each girl I break up with exactly one hour to expose all of my contradictions. No more, no less. You're on the clock. Use your time wisely.

I will have patience with the immature and the hurt, but no patience whatsoever for the disingenuous. Speaking of which.....

Category Three: The Disingenuous and Deceptive

Just look at Public Enemy Number One, George W. Bush, and his recent pronouncement that Democratic lawmakers are sending "mixed signals" to both our troops in Iraq and our terrorist enemies. Mr. Bush is suggesting that if Democratic legislators who authorized the war against Iraq now take a position against the war, then they are necessarily sending "mixed signals" to our troops overseas, and are somehow inviting a terrorist attack.

What Mr. Bush does not understand or, perhaps more accurately, pretends not to understand, is that when the very factual premise underlying a decision or impulse is fundamentally altered, then it is natural, if not necessary, to change one's course.

This is how it works.

Factual Premise: Iraq has weapons of mass destruction, and plans to use them.

Decision: Authorize war against Iraq.

Altered Factual Premise: Oops, maybe Iraq does not have weapons of mass destruction.

Reflection upon earlier decision: Wow, I certainly regret authorizing war against a nation when, in fact, the very reason for doing so has been undermined by recent facts / disclosures.

This is what rational people do. They adapt when new information comes to light. But Mr. Bush does not want to adapt. He likes to think in absolutes. You're with me or against me. You love freedom or you hate freedom. It's the equivalent of a 4 year old playing tag and screaming "no take backs." "You said you support the war, so you're stuck with that, and if I hear anything else, I'll accuse you of jeopardizing the lives of the young men that I sent off to fight this sham war."

This is where "mixed signals" come in. Mr. Bush relies on this phrase because he does not accept adaptation. He chooses to ignore the evolution of ideas and events, and hopes to polarize America into two factions of his own creation: those who support the war, and those who hate our troops and don't mind if they are killed. Raise your hand if you don't like being in the latter group? Well, too bad, that's where you go if you speak out against any aspect of the Iraq war.

More importantly, do you honestly think that there are any soldiers in Iraq who, while in the heat of battle, are thinking to themselves..."man, I can't believe that Senator so-and-so changed his mind regarding the legitimacy of this war. Yesterday when I was walking through the desert and failing to find WMD's I was really excited about being here, and felt like I had a sense of purpose, but now that a congressperson has decided to lead an investigation into the manipulation of intelligence, I've lost all motivation, and think I will lay down my weapon and cry alligator tears."

Of course not. But this is exactly what the "mixed signals" rhetoric is supposed to make us believe.

And how about the terrorists who are allegedly being sent "mixed signals"?" Do you think that a member of Al Qaeda is sitting in his cave and thinking "you know, I was about to give up this whole Jihad nonsense because America just seemed totally united and strong, a virtual military Goliath, but now that their legislators have developed the backbone to challenge their despot regarding his misinformation campaign, I really think we have a chance now...in fact, now that Bush is plummeting in the polls, I might as well strap this dynamite to my chest and head west."

Again, not likely.


Let's stop playing dumb. Let's stop pretending that we don't understand the subtleties of a situation. Let's put our own pride and stubborness aside and realize that we live in a world full of mixed signals. In short, let's acknowledge that everyone else is just as fucked up as we are. That will take us a long way.

Supreme Court Overruled.....By the Senate

Despite a 2004 Supreme Court ruling that prisoners being held at the U.S. prison in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba could challenge their detentions by filing writs of habeus corpus in American courts, the Republican controlled Senate yesterday voted 49-42 to deny prisoners of this right.

Salon reports that:

...Under the provision, Guantanamo Bay detainees would be allowed to appeal their status as an "enemy combatant" one time, to the Circuit Court of Appeals in Washington, D.C. But they would not be able to file petitions known as writs of habeas corpus, which are used to fight unlawful detentions, in that or any other U.S. court...

...In 2004, the Supreme Court said the 500 or so prisoners held there could file habeas corpus petitions in U.S. courts to fight their detentions. Many of the prisoners were captured in Afghanistan and have been held at Guantanamo for several years without being charged...

Commenting upon the Senate's de facto overruling of sound Supreme Court precedent, Elisa Massimino, the Washington director of Human Rights First, stated:

"Depriving an entire branch of government of its ability to exercise meaningful oversight is a decidedly wrong course to take."

This is an extremely significant Senate vote. Not only does the vote overrule the Supreme Court, and raise numerous isses related to Separation of Powers, but it deprives prisoners being held in U.S. controlled prisons of the essential, constitutionally guaranteed right of habeus corpus.

It is irrelevant whether these detainees are in fact guilty of a crime. It is irrelevant whether they once intended to harm America. No one is arguing that their very imprisonment is a threat to liberty. What I am arguing is that if you are going to put suspected terrorists in prison for two years without charging them, and refuse to allow any media or public oversight of their detention, you should at the very least give them proper recourse to challenge their detentions, just as any prisoner in any other U.S. prison would have.

I guess that when our Vice President is openly lobbying Congress to preserve the U.S. government's ability to torture detainees, no one should be surprised that the Senate treats Constitutional rights like leaves in the wind.

Their Skin is So Melty

Remember when our government rushed us to war because Saddam Hussein was allegedly stockpiling chemical weapons. Well, it turns out that in our effort to "liberate" the Iraqis in Fallujah, we've actually been bombarding them with a chemical known as white phosphorus. This chemical quite literally burns the skin off of people. The Italian media, and trusty progressive blog Daily Kos have broken the story.

In a documentary to be broadcast by RAI, the Italian state broadcaster, this morning, a former American soldier who fought at Fallujah says: "I heard the order to pay attention because they were going to use white phosphorus on Fallujah. In military jargon it's known as Willy Pete.

"Phosphorus burns bodies, in fact it melts the flesh all the way down to the bone ... I saw the burned bodies of women and children. Phosphorus explodes and forms a cloud. Anyone within a radius of 150 metres is done for."

I don't know what I'm more upset about...the cruel deaths of Iraqi civilians, or the hypocricy of the U.S. government that killed them. While the former is tragic and sad, the latter is galling to the point of blind rage.

And, as reported at AmericaBlog, the U.S. government's explanation for this conduct is transparent at best:

Phosphorus shells are not outlawed. U.S. forces have used them very sparingly in Fallujah, for illumination purposes. They were fired into the air to illuminate enemy positions at night, not at enemy fighters.

Yeah right, and last time I went camping I used a stick of dynamite as a flashlight. PUUUUHHHLEEEAAASSEEE!!!

I understand that war is ugly. But when we learn that our government has authorized the use of secret prisons and chemical weapons, it is America which truly appears ugly to the world.

Wal-Mart Under Attack...And Deservedly So!

On Tuesday November 8, 2005, a small cargo plane crashed into a Wal-Mart store in Manchester, New Hampshire.

This got me thinking a bit. While one would reasonably assume that this was a complete accident, perhaps pilot error, or adverse weather conditions, there is a part of me that isn't so sure. In fact, I'm going to be the first to go out on a limb and suggest that the pilot intentionally flew the plane into the Wal-Mart store!

For me, the only real question is motive. Who would kamikaze a New Hampshire Wal-Mart?

So, I did some research. It appears that the question isn't so much "who has a grudge against Wal-Mart" as "which one of the various persons who have been harmed by Wal-Mart decided to finally crash a jet into the retail behemoth?"

Here is a list of potential kamikaze pilots, in no particular order.

1. A woman who was recently turned away from a Wal-Mart store because a self-righteous Wal-Mart pharmacist refused to fill her prescription for birth control.

2. A qualified disabled person who has been unfairly deemed unemployable by Wal-Mart executives on the basis that his disability may result in increased health care costs for the company.

3. An immigrant worker hired by the Wal-Mart cleaning department, who was housed in crowded conditions and sometimes forced to sleep in the back of Wal-Mart stores.

4. The director of an Anti Wal-Mart Film entitled "Wal-Mart: The High Cost of Low Price" which will debut on November 15, 2005.

5. A resident of Booneville, MO. who objects to the building of a Wal-Mart Supercenter in her small town.

I'm sure that the above list is not exhaustive as I have no doubt that the number of people negatively affected by Wal-Mart increases every minute. For example, my list does not even include the thousands of small business owners who have been put out of business by the one-stop retail giant Wal-Mart.

We should all lend our support to this fight. I'm not saying we need to fly planes into Wal-Mart stores, but how about some other reasonable alternatives. Like.....signing Planned Parenthood's petition to put a stop to Wal-Mart's refusal to prescribe birth control, supporting unions and other labor organizers in their fight on behalf of exploited workers, supporting legal aid societies that specialize in representing disabled workers who have been discriminated against in hiring, petitioning your representative regarding the inhumane treatment of illegal immigrants.....just to name a few.

Or, better yet, develop and circulate bumper stickers that read "Friends Don't let Friends Shop at Wal-Mart"

What greater sign do we need that Wal-Mart is engaged in unfair practices than objects falling from the sky???

BLAND, SAFE, & UNINSPIRING: The Ashlee Simpsonification of America

A Canadian entertainment news reporter may have just stumbled upon a plausible explanation for American teens' seemingly inexplicable worship of Ashlee Simpson and, in the process, unwittingly shed some light upon America's ever-increasing fascination with mediocrity.

She is neither warm nor cold; neither unattractive nor unusually striking; neither as edgy as her early marketing sold her nor as sexy as the more recent efforts would suggest. She is just ... there.

There you have it. The secret to Ms. Simpson's success is that she has taken no discernible risks, has made no effort to establish her uniqueness, and does not offer any tangible message to her audience. In other words, she has truly found the key to success in America.....don't challenge anything, blend in, accept your mediocrity, and then learn how to effectively market such mediocrity as an asset. This was the same formula used by Karl Rove to install George W. Bush in the White House. Brilliant. Truly brilliant.

Canada, our savvy upstairs neighbor, understands that Ms. Simpson's complete "unremarkability" is the secret behind her success:

...By this point, she could reasonably have been expected to be relegated to playing shopping malls, not just visiting them for autograph sessions as she did later yesterday. In the shadow of her older, blonder sister from the get-go, she briefly appeared slated to become the next Milli Vanilli after the most humiliating musical performance in Saturday Night Live's three-decade history. And yet here she is, mere months after being exposed on national television as a lip-syncer (and questionable jig-dancer), wildly outselling more seasoned artists...

...Ashlee, on the other hand, is sufficiently unimposing that hundreds of thousands of girls can easily imagine being in her shoes...

This cult of mediocrity has so permeated our culture that we barely notice it. We incessantly watch reality television. We increasingly frequent mediocre chain restaurants (Olive Garden, Chipotle, Starbucks) strictly because of their convenience and predictability. We accept a President who utilizes a profoundly limited vocabulary to mask his subversive designs. We sit idly by as our youth are bombarded with paint-by-numbers style, manufactured trend-setting garbage on MTV. And we make Ashlee Simpson the top selling "artist" in America even though her music is thoroughly uninspiring and, better yet, we know that she cheats. In a culture that so quickly forgives (or, ignores) the fact that our President lied to us regarding weapons of mass destruction, is it any wonder that our teens gave young Ashlee a free pass when she got caught lip syncing?

We are all guilty of worshipping mediocrity, whether we acknowledge it or not. How many of us have uttered this phrase: "I really like [him/her/it] because I totally identify with [him/her/it]." WE ALL HAVE. We like to IDENTIFY with persons and things because it makes us feel safe. It's comfortable. It doesn't challenge us in ways that we don't want to be challenged. And it reaffirms our choices.

I ask you this: WHY? Why do we so often define our preferences in art, film, music, politics, etc. in terms of whether we personally identify with the relevant speaker, artist, policy, etc? Don't we want to be challenged to see the world differently? If I wanted someone to identify with, I'd look in the mirror, not to the artists, leaders, and other contributors to the marketplace of ideas. I want music, art, political movements, and the like to grab me by the neck, and give me a swift kick in the ass.

Well, I for one, am taking a vow. I will never, ever, ever again compliment someone or something on the grounds that I identify with it. I need so much more....especially from people that I look to for artistic inspiration and visionary leadership. I don't want to live in KARL ROVE and ASHLEE SIMPSON'S AMERICA. I will no longer let them, or anyone else, get away with marketing mediocrity as an asset. I'm tired of people "keeping it real." I don't want any more reality.

We can do better.

Torture? What's That? Never Heard Of It...

President George W. Bush has defiantly proclaimed that the United States does not torture detainees. Rather, all suspected terrorists are being held at a quaint bed and breakfast in Nothern California's Napa Valley. After a mid-morning brunch to die for, the detainees are treated to a glorious afternoon of aroma therapy, mud masks, and a full body massage at one of Napa's most exclusive day spas with breathtaking views of the scenic countryside.

While the "best behaved" detainees are "treated" to an evening of wine tasting and mouth watering California-French cuisine, the "uncooperative" prisoners are "forced" to drink merlot and eat day-old quiche. The administration is hopeful that this stern treatment will teach the detainees to savor freedom.

The Final Solution: Terrorists Banished to Middle Earth

The United States Government has searched high and low to find the perfect location to secretly stash away accused terrorists. However, it has proven difficult to circumvent national and international laws prohibiting the mistreatment of prisoners and the establishment of clandestine internment camps.

Just when the CIA had abandoned all hope of finding a distant land where suspected terrorists could be secretly interrogated and ritually tortured, President George W. Bush arrived at a simple solution. A final solution.

The following is an exact transcript of a secretly recorded conversation between President Bush and a top White House advisor.

Advisor: "Mr. President, the CIA is expecting you to provide some direction regarding the significant problem of civil liberties and international treaties as they pertain to the ongoing imprisonment and torture of suspected terrorists."

Bush: "You know, I've been thinking about that. There's just nowhere on this planet to stick those prisoners without some group or the other finding out about the whole thing. But I was watching that hobbit movie last night, and I noticed that there ain't no humans in that Middle Earth Place...I thought there was, but then I saw them pointy ears and figured they were aliens or something....but anyway, I reckon if we transport those prisoners to Middle Earth where no one can find 'em, and there ain't no ACLU breathing down your neck, then we can make sure nobody ever finds out about what we've been up to."

Advisor: "Sir, are you being serious right now?"

Bush: "Serious as a heart attack.......oh, sorry 'bout that Dick."

Dick Cheney (having just entered the room): "No Problem. What are you sons of bitches talking about in here?"

Bush: "Well Dick, I think we better send those terrorists off to Middle Earth and stash them in that volcano thing with the big evil eye....you know...the place where Frodo's going to. Let's see some liberal watchdog group find those suckers inside a volcano."

Cheney: inaudible response.

Less than one month after the above communication, the CIA quickly put the President's plan into action. All suspected terrorists (or at least those who looked like they might be) were rounded up and transported to Middle Earth on the back of Gwaihir the Windlord. Halliburton was awarded a series of no-bid contracts to erect a state-of-the art prison deep in the heart of Mordor.

Chained together in the fiery pit of Mordor, under the watchful eye of Sauron, the ancient servant of Morgoth, these prisoners were detained for months on end. It is only due to the brave reporting of the Washington Post that the story of the Mordor Internment Camps have been discovered, and the abuses within finally revealed.

The Washington Post reports:

...The hidden global internment network is a central element in the CIA's unconventional war on terrorism. It depends on the cooperation of foreign intelligence services, and on keeping even basic information about the system secret from the public, foreign officials and nearly all members of Congress charged with overseeing the CIA's covert actions....

...Virtually nothing is known about who is kept in the facilities, what interrogation methods are employed with them, or how decisions are made about whether they should be detained or for how long...

...It is illegal for the government to hold prisoners in such isolation in secret prisons in the United States, which is why the CIA placed them overseas, according to several former and current intelligence officials and other U.S. government officials. Legal experts and intelligence officials said that the CIA's internment practices also would be considered illegal under the laws of several host countries, where detainees have rights to have a lawyer or to mount a defense against allegations of wrongdoing...

...More than 100 suspected terrorists have been sent by the CIA into the covert system, according to current and former U.S. intelligence officials and foreign sources. This figure, a rough estimate based on information from sources who said their knowledge of the numbers was incomplete, does not include prisoners picked up in Iraq...

FOLKS, READ THE WASHINGTON POST ARTICLE.....THIS IS 100% REAL

Every compassionate, patriotic, freedom-loving member of this great nation should rise up and protest this illegal, disgusting abuse of international prisoners! Its time to stand up to Sauron, Saruman, Ugluk, and the Orc army, and demand accountability once and for all.

The CIA, with the express approval of President George W. Bush has gone to great links to find remote, uncharted locations, free of all international laws, to detain, interrogate, and abuse suspected terrorists.

The Washington Post further reports:

...The agency set up prisons under its covert action authority. Under U.S. law, only the president can authorize a covert action, by signing a document called a presidential finding. Findings must not break U.S. law and are reviewed and approved by CIA, Justice Department and White House legal advisers...

...Six days after the Sept. 11 attacks, President Bush signed a sweeping finding that gave the CIA broad authorization to disrupt terrorist activity, including permission to kill, capture and detain members of al Qaeda anywhere in the world...

The Fellowship of the Bush has taken an ugly, dare I say fatal, turn. We only recently learned of the misinformation we were fed by the administration to justify the Iraq War. Now, in the wake of a war that cost over two thousand American lives, we further learn that the President has authorized prisoner abuse in OUR NAME.

It's time to get angry.

Thanks to TL for the tip.

A Supermodel With a Heart

In order to experience what life would be like without an angelic face, perfect skin, sensational breasts, plentiful endorsement deals, and multi-million dollar television contracts, supermodel Tyra Banks recently pretended to be a fat blob for a segment that will soon be aired on her absolutely unwatchable talk show. The brave Ms. Banks dawned a fat suit and was forced to endure the embarrassment of not being perfect.

Tyra described this experiment in humility as "one of the most hearbreaking days of my life." This from a woman who, on November 18, plans to air a segment entitled "Pursuing a Beautiful Booty" on her trainwreck of a talk show.

Thanks Tyra. I'm sure all of the depressed 300 pound women who learn of your heroic feat will applaud your 2 hours of mild discomfort in a fat suit. You already spent an entire episode of your show having a sonogram performed on your breasts to prove they were real. Need you further destroy the self esteem of your viewers (all twelve of them) by "pretending" to look like them for an afternoon.

Next thing you know, Maury Povich will pretend to be a sexually active pre-teen with hepatitis C and Judge Judy will pretend to be a manic-depressive gardener who assaulted a customer when they refused to pay her for her work.

I'm tempted to boycott the next Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue in response to this ridiculous stunt. But I won't. Why punish myself for YOUR mistakes. I will simply tear out the pages on which you appear!!!

Single, 28 Year Old Male Replaces Tree-Dwelling Funnel-Web Spider as Most Dangerous Creature in the World

National Geographic Magazine has reported today that the "Single, 28 Year Old Male" has finally replaced the "Tree-Dwelling Funnel-Web Spider" as the most dangerous creature on the planet Earth.













Whereas the Tree-Dwelling Funnel-Web Spider neutralizes and ultimately kills its defenseless victims with potent venom, the Single, 28 Year Old Male stalks its prey without the aid of any poison, claws, talons, or fangs. Rather, this complicated species relies upon his masked loneliness, undeserved ego, and ever-increasing sense of desperation to alienate his male friends and terrify unsuspecting females.


Researchers agree that the Single, 28 Year Old Male, overwhelmed by the responsibilities of adulthood, yet far too adolescent to adequately conceal his utter confusion and inner pain, is capable of destroying friendships, shunning family, and horrifying otherwise good-natured females.

Most Single, 28 Year Old Males, lacking confidence, tend to travel in clusters, congregating in major metropolitan areas across the globe. If you come into contact with one, do not attempt to stroke his ego or feed into his extreme sense of entitlement.

Multiple Choice Test

"Every youngster should have the opportunity to grow-up healthy, safe, secure, and equipped with the skills needed to succeed in life. Contemporary America, however, is rampant with challenges that could keep children from a positive life path."

Question: The above quote is attributable to what organization?

A: The National Center for Education Reform

B: Alliance for Health Reform

C: National Center for Youth

D: National Education Association

E: American Association for Affirmative Action

F: None of the Above


CORRECT ANSWER: F) None of the Above

The above quote was, in fact, taken from the D.A.R.E (Druge Abuse Resistance Education) website. The failed D.A.R.E. program, with its catchy, but entirely unhelpful slogan "Just Say No," has cost American taxpayers millions and millions of dollars over the past 20 years, and continues to somehow persist as a constant reminder of President Reagan's ill conceived, reactionary, propoganda machine infamously known as the "War on Drugs."

What I find interesting is that the above quote, perhaps accidentally, highlights the many reasons that we desperately need afforable health care, education reform (including higher teachers' pay), increased funding for public after school programs, and reasonable affirmative action programs in college admissions.

However, while we do have a National D.A.R.E. Day (April 14, 2005 / declared by President Bush), we unfortunately do not have an Affordable Health Care Day or Public Education Reform Day. Clearly, when it comes to improving the lives of impoverished, disadvantaged youth, we do not have our priorities in order.

Many of you reading this post have probably experienced the D.A.R.E program. I don't know about you, but my D.A.R.E. lessons essentially consisted of 1) a nervous police officer (probably resentful of the fact that he was assigned D.A.R.E. responsibility) yammering about how drugs will ruin your life; 2) the presentation of a display case containing a virtual buffet of illegal drugs, which was supposed to somehow make us detest drugs but, in actuality, only served to heighten our interest in these odd, fascinating substances (what exactly is unappealing about a leafy, green, herbal substance?); 3) a video presentation of various celebrities (ie. Eric Estrada or Evander Holyfield) explaining how we will all lose our minds if we ever so much as touch a drug.

Today, our public schools are suffering. Working class families can't afford to purchase prescription medication for their children. Teachers are underpaid and forced to rule over absurdly large classes. Affluent, white families are removing their children from public schools at an alarming rate, serving only to further alienate inner city youth.

And all we can do is preach, "Just Say No" to drugs. "Children of the world, if you just steer clear of drugs, your lives will turn out perfectly.....you'll ride unicorns down chocolate covered rainbows into an ocean of money and respect."

We are failing are youth, and all we can say is "put down that joint" or "don't get pregnant."

We are teaching our children policies of absolute intolerance when it comes to drug use and sexual activity, and yet WE continue to absolutely tolerate the abominable conditions of our deteriorating education and health care systems.

Do something about it. I DARE you.

The New Antagonism

As if his recent comments regarding the private assurances he received from the Bush Administration about Harriet Miers were not galling enough, 'Focus on the Family' founder James C. Dobson is at it again.

In a prepared statement regarding President Bush's nomination of Samuel Alito to the Supreme Court, Mr. Dobson stated the following:

"Perhaps the most encouraging early indication that Judge Alito will make a great justice is that liberal senators such as Harry Reid and Charles Schumer and leftist pressure groups such as People for the American Way and Planned Parenthood have been lining up all day to scream that the sky is falling. Any nominee who so worries the radical left is worthy of serious consideration."

I could actually care less what Mr. Dobson's opinion is regarding the qualifications of Samuel Alito, but I am deeply troubled by this statement because I fear that it reflects a dangerous political trend in this country -- a trend which has infected both the Right and Left. This trend is typified by the proclamation that, "any nominee who so worries the radical left is worthy of serious consideration."

This attitude represents a type of New Antagonism which is rapidly becoming the norm in Washington --- sound policy, reasoned debate, and careful strategy are being replaced with arrogant, almost gleeful, antagonism. In other words, politicians, lobbyists, and other operatives inside the Beltway are measuring their own successes, and evaluating the effectiveness of their policies, and their leaders, in terms of how much they are pissing off their opposition.

Here's how this destructive thinking works: A policy must be reasonable and appropriate if the enemy disagrees with it. A nominee must be well qualified if the opposition despises him. A bill must be necessary and well drafted if the congressperson on the other side of the aisle is preparing to filibuster it.

THIS IS THE TYPE OF THINKING THAT PRESENTLY PERMEATES MODERN POLITICS.

It is an ethos perpetuated by the current media configuration.....talking heads yelling at each other, while a purportedly 'neutral' moderator lobs softball questions at them, creating a platform for the New Antagonism.

Politics has been, and always will be, a battle. That much is certain. But, a battle for what? Ideally, it should be a battle between ambitious public servants to develop and implement a strong vision for this Country, a respectable platform of ideas and reforms. Instead, it is turning into a battle for the sake of battle....it is about pride and gamesmanship, and NOT about creating a better America.

This may seem an obvious point, but it's a point that any true progressive must remind himself or herself of on a daily basis. Let's not fall into the habit of defining our successes by the degree to which we can frustrate our opposition. The New Antagonism runs completely counter to the Revolution of Ideas that all responsible progressives should be trying to effectuate every single day.

BUSH DAUGHTERS ORDERED TO CUT FALLOPIAN TUBES

On Friday, the Supreme Court ordered that the Bush twins, Jenna and Barbara, be immediately sterilized. Quoting the 1927 Supreme Court decision of Buck v. Bell, the High Court ruled that the Bush twins "[are] the probable potential parent[s] of socially inadequate offspring, likewise afflicted, that [they] may be sexually sterilized without detriment to [their] general health and that [their] welfare and that of society will be promoted by [their] sterilization."

Further quoting the majority opinion of the esteemed Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. from the seminal case of Buck v. Bell, the Court sternly warned that "THREE GENERATIONS OF IMBECILES ARE ENOUGH."

Many Supreme Court commentators expressed a lack of surprise regarding the Court's strongly worded opinion.

"It's clearly in the best interests of the country that the Bush legacy be terminated. They are sweet girls, but we just can't take the chance of those genes being passed to future leaders of this great nation," explained one Washington D.C. appellate lawyer on condition of anonymity.

In perhaps the most pointed excerpt from today's opinion, the Court once again quoted from Buck v. Bell in reasoning that:

"It is better for all the world, if instead of waiting to execute degenerate offspring for crime, or to let them starve for their imbecility, society can prevent those who are manifestly unfit from continuing their kind."

In a somewhat startling break from recent tradition, the nine Justices on the Supreme Court all concurred in the majority opinion mandating the sterilization of the Presidential daughters. New Bush appointee, John Roberts, drafted the nine page opinion.

Stallone Set to Film 'Cobra 2'

Will someone please tell Sylvester Stallone to stop making movies. I thought that he had already gotten the hint, but apparently not.

Not only is Sly set to star in ROCKY VI but he has now announced that he is set to reprise his role as RAMBO

Who asked for this? Please tell me. So that I can stab them in the eyeball with a carpenter's tool ... perhaps an awl, or an auger bit.

Stallone is currently optioning several scripts, all of which he penned last weekend, in one furious stream of consciousness experiment:

"STOP! OR MY MOM WILL SHOOT, AGAIN"


"TANGO AND CASH STRIKE BACK"

and....

"REALLY OVER THE TOP!"

In related news, Frank Stallone, Sly's affable brother, is set to star in "DEATH BLOW II: BLOWN HARDER"

Fun With Bush

I've decided to be Patrick Bateman (from American Psycho) for Halloween. In searching the internet for costume inspiration, I stumbled upon this:



I've finally concluded that there is not a single Bush picture that I don't find funny. Maybe if there was a picture of him abusing a child or something, that would not be funny. But I might snicker a bit.

Payback is a Bitch!

It was recently reported on this blog that the White House publically took exception to The Onion's use of the Presidential seal on its website. Hoping to distract attention from the impending criminal indictments against White House staff, the Bush Administration decided, pathetically, to attack a political parody web magazine.

Well, The Onion strikes back....hard.

Trick or Treat...Or Not

Earlier today, a suicide was mistaken for a halloween decoration.

The apparent suicide of a woman found hanging from a tree went unreported for hours because passers-by thought the body was a Halloween decoration, authorities said.

The 42-year-old woman used rope to hang herself across the street from some homes on a moderately busy road late Tuesday or early Wednesday, state police said.

The body, suspended about 15 feet above the ground, could be easily seen from passing vehicles.

State police spokesman Cpl. Jeff Oldham and neighbors said people noticed the body at breakfast time Wednesday but dismissed it as a holiday prank. Authorities were called to the scene more than three hours later.

Sad, ironic, and shamefully funny!

The White House Takes a Stand

The White House has finally issued a statement condemning the very scandal which, for months, has plagued the Bush Administration.

White House spokesman Trent Duffy said people who work in the executive mansion do have a sense of humor, but not when it comes to breaking regulations.

The Administration has finally ended its silence on an issue which threatened to divide the House of Bush, and which was likely to have significant political ramifications for the 2008 presidential election.

You must be asking yourself, "has the Bush Administration finally stepped up and acknowledged the inappropriate, dare I say 'treasonous,' conduct of key White House advisors Karl Rove and Scooter Libby?"

Well, no. Not so much. But......they did take a stand against political humor website The Onion for improperly displaying the Presidential Seal along side clever parodies lambasting Mr. Bush.

"When any official sign or seal is being used inappropriately the party is notified," the White House said on wednesday.

Kind of a case of the pot calling the kettle black, wouldn't you say. Given the mess that the White House currently finds itself in, it's quite interesting that they are levelling threats against The Onion for allegedly 'tarnishing' the Office of the President. Hasn't Mr. Bush already tarnished it enough?

When pressed for comment, Mr. Bush simply stated: "I don't like Onions. They make you cry. And crying ain't no fun for no one."

BUSH IS A LOSER: Hypothetically Speaking

Its the latest craze sweeping the nation...its been touted by one observer as "therapy for liberals," and another left-leaning pundit remarked that "its the only thing that will help me get through the next three years." What is the political cure-all that has these savvy politicos craving for more?

It's.........The Hypothetical Election!!!

Those liberals still reeling from the November 2004 re-election of W. can now rejoice in the fact that if the election happened today, Bush maybe.... probably.... could have.....potentially.... lost.

A majority would vote for a Democrat over President Bush if an election were held this year, according to a CNN/USA Today/Gallup Poll released Tuesday.

In the latest poll, 55 percent of the respondents said that they would vote for the Democratic candidate if Bush were again running for the presidency this year.

Thirty-nine percent of those interviewed said they would vote for Bush in the hypothetical election.

Democrats are beginning to seem confident that the Bush White House is imploding, paving the way for a Democratic victory in 2008.

It kind of reminds me of the beginning of every single "Friday the 13th" movie. The new group of Crystal Lake Camp counselors sit around an open fire, roasting marshmallows, wearing short shorts, and passing around a flask of whiskey, when one cute blonde says, "hey, have you guys heard about this place? About Jason? He was this kid, you see, who was killed and supposedly buried at the bottom of the lake. Rumor has it that he awakens every camp season and torments the campers and counselors." Pause.....silence......then everyone bursts into laughter, passes around a joint, and proceeds to get cut to ribbons by Jason before the movie is over. THE END.


That's how I feel about how the Democrats approached the last presidential election, and how I fear that they will approach the next. You see, the Democrats are those wide-eyed, ambitious camp counselors. And Bush, of course, is the murderous Jason. The counselors are a young, close-knit group that simply assume that Jason is dead because he's at the bottom of the lake. They remember reading local newspaper articles about how he dismembered previous counselors but, afterall, how could he possibly rise again with all the bullets he took in the last movie?

Right now, the Democrats are sitting around the bonfire that is the GOP. The fire keeps getting brighter as each new log is thrown into the inferno.......FEMA.......Rove.......Cheney......Iraq casualties.......Miers. The Democrats are roasting their marshmallows and laughingly dismissing the legend of W. They're thinking..."This summer is going to be cake.....we're basically going to be running this place."

That was their first mistake, because like Jason, the GOP seems to be impervious to bullets, knives, weed whackers, disc sanders, blow torches, darts, and pitch forks.

My message is this: Whenever I would watch those "Friday the 13th" movies, I would scream out at the TV...."No, he's not dead...don't be silly....why would there be a sequel if he was just going to lie there dead? Arm yourselves. Don't sleep. Don't eat. Don't try to have sex with the hot swimming instructor. Just load yourself up with ammo, come up with a plan, get organized, and brace yourself for yet another battle against evil."

That is the same advice I have for the Democratic Party. This is not the Final Chapter. Keep your guard up. Get organized....and for the love of God, do not wander into the darkness alone!

A Depressed Drunk Does Not a Poet Make

So, I was cleaning out my email inbox recently, and I came across a poem that I wrote and then emailed to myself awhile back. Now, I'm not much of a poet to begin with, but to make matters worse, I wrote this poem when I was depressed, and more than slightly drunk. I laughed out loud when I re-read it...it quite possibly may be the worst poem ever written.

If the Lifetime Network wanted to make a made-for-TV movie about a depressed, failing artist, and they enlisted a bunch of washed up, hack television writers to slap together a poem for the protagonist to drunkenly utter during the climax of the second act, THAT poem would be T.S. Eliot's "The Waste Land" compared to my steaming pile of crap poem.

I figured that if I was going to spend so much time in this blog making fun of other people, I should, for purposes of remaining "fair and balanced," poke a little fun at myself.

So, without further adieu, I shamefully give you this:

SO REAL

I descend once again into my comfortable prison

Whiskey is my mattress, beer my pillow

The television flickers in the background

Cold pizza crust stamped into an unkept rug

Heavy eyelids the only weight left

Popsicle heart, pudding brains

Night after night

Nothing but reality

I wish I could tell you "just kidding guys, I wrote the poem this morning as a joke and thought it would be fun to pretend that I wrote it as a serious attempt at something meaningful." No such luck.

It is what it is ---- an absolutely true and honest attempt by a depressed, cubicle-confined, white collar drone to pretend to be the poet that I would have been had I not been so bad at poetry all my life.

People, in case you didn't know, humility is the new arrogance. Except when humility is all you have.

Pharmacists: Our New Moral Leaders

AMERICAblog has located yet another occurence of a pharmacist with a God complex. These can no longer be dismissed as mere isolated incidents...they are becoming a trend. Here is the situation: pharmacists are refusing to provide lawfully prescribed birth control pills and other contraception to certain individuals based exclusively on the pharmacists' own religious objections to the drugs. (ie. objections to premarital sex, abortion, etc.)

The most recent instance of this phenomenon was in Tucson, Arizona.

After a sexual assault one recent weekend, a young Tucson woman spent three frantic days trying to obtain the drug to prevent a pregnancy, knowing that each passing day lowered the chance the drug would work.

While calling dozens of Tucson pharmacies trying to fill a prescription for emergency contraception, she found that most did not stock the drug.

When she finally did find a pharmacy with it, she said she was told the pharmacist on duty would not dispense it because of religious and moral objections.

This story breaks on the heels of recent reports that numerous Target pharmacists have refused to fill presrciptions for birth control over recent months on allegedly "moral" grounds.

Planned Parenthood is attempting to get persons involved in highlighting and hopefully ending this discriminatory practice.

I don't care which side of the aisle you're one --- when a woman carrying a valid prescription for important, legal drugs is turned away from a pharmacy because the pharmacist personally condemns that woman's choice of lifestyle, something has gone horribly, horribly wrong.

I really don't have anything to add to other blogs that have already commented upon this disturbing phenomenon. It's interesting that our nation spends so much time obsessed with the President's Supreme Court appointments, fearful that it will spell the end of ROE v. WADE, yet the real threat to women's reproductive rights comes not from a woman in a black robe, but a person in a white lab coat who bestows medication only upon the righteous.

The Sun Will Not Set

The inevitable renewal of the USA Patriot Act has been accomplished without any real challenge.

The provisions of the far-reaching legislation which were scheduled to sunset have been unanimously reapproved by the House and Senate.

The USA Patriot Act, designed intitially as an immediate response to the purportedly growing threat of terrorism in a post-9/11 world, has been used and widely abused by law enforcement and prosecutors over the past several years.

Perhaps the most enduring justification for the Patriot Act is that it merely extends the same tools previously available against organized crime and drug dealers to terrorists. But this misleads. Repeated declarations by Administration officials that wiretaps could not previously be obtained against terrorists are simply false. Wiretaps could always be obtained for criminal investigations of terrorists. The Patriot Act expanded the legal grounds for roving wiretaps, in particular, to also make them available to the FBI under the separate counterintelligence authority (and lower standards) of the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act.

These broader surveillance powers can now be used even against innocent Americans not suspected of any crime or terrorism. And by importing the foreign intelligence powers previously available only against spies and terrorists into the domestic criminal context, the Patriot Act grants authorities broad and constitutionally dubious new muscle to use as they see fit.

The FBI's and CIA's history, along with the significant recent reports about investigation and harassment of peace groups, dissenters and organizations like the ACLU, should give us pause about uncritically accepting the deceptive rationalizations--especially with the political polarization and powerful new surveillance technologies available today.

However, take heart in the fact that Big Brother is receiving opposition from at least one vocal group. The librarians are fed up with the government's persistent use of administrative subpoenas, known as National Security Letters, to demand library records without court approval or judicial supervision.

One librarian, known only to us as "John Doe" has successfully challenged the Patriot Act's authority in United States District Court. However, unfortunately, a gag order has issued that will prevent Mr. Doe from disclosing his identity or otherwise publicly discussing his experience with the Patriot Act's draconian provisions pending the government's appeal to the Second Circuit Court of Appeals.

In fact, the American Library Association and the Freedom to Read Foundation recently joined with the Association of American Publishers and the American Booksellers Foundation for Free Expression to file an amicus brief before the Supreme Court supporting John Doe's request for immediate relief from the gag order imposed upon him. On October 7, 2005, the Supreme Court rejected Doe's application for emergency relief. Consequently, Doe was prevented from participating in the exceedingly important recent Congressional dialogue regarding the renewal of the Patriot Act.

It is crucial that we keep a watchful eye on the Second Circuit Court of Appeals and its upcoming decision regarding the constitutionality of the Patriot Act. More importantly, Doe v. Gonzales may indeed become the case which squarely places this divisive issue before the United States Supreme Court.

"Fear And Trepidation"

Okay, so we all know by now that President Bush nominated his attorney, Harriet Miers, to replace Sandra Day O'Connor on the United States Supreme Court. Liberals and Conservatives alike were a bit taken aback by Bush's appointment of a seemingly inexperienced, yet loyal, Texas crony to the nation's highest court.

However, even more troubling than Miers' perceived inexperience and obvious indebtedness to the Bush Dynasty, may be the fact that the Religious Right has publicly considered supporting Miers' nomination strictly based upon "private assurances" provided to high profile right wing leaders by the Bush White House.

Thankfully, the Senate Judiciary Committee has said NOT SO FAST

The Committe is troubled by the remarks of Focus on the Family founder James C. Dobson who,when discussing his questionable support for Miers, recently hinted:

"When you know some of the things that I know -- that I probably shouldn't know -- you will understand why I have said, with fear and trepidation, that Harriet Miers will be a good justice."

I'm sorry, but what the hell does that mean? Why is this Dobson nutjob privy to "things he probably shouldn't know" regarding Ms. Miers. I'm curious. Is she a robot programmed by Karl Rove, and controlled with a joystick? Has she been sent to the United States by God as some sort of divine inspiration to rid us of homosexuals, unwed pregnant mothers, and other "undesireables."

Folks, the legal landscape of this country is being determined by well-timed leaks, and backroom deals. I fully understand that the nomination of a Supreme Court Justice is an inherently political act. I've checked my political innocence at the door, but come on, this is getting ridiculous. When the director of Focus on the Family knows more about one of the (potentially) most powerful judges in the world than the very people who's lives will be shaped by her judicial opinions, we have abandoned all hopes of a legitimate democracy.

Our leaders no longer pretend to separate Church and State. However, they can at least do us the favor of discussing their religious designs in an open and public forum. Is that too much to ask?

If Urinals Could Talk

I love reading bathroom stall graffiti. For every "Brad was here," and "Call Kelly at (310) 472-33XX for a good time," you're bound to come across a "War is not the answer." These bathroom "artists" know that they have a captive audience, and are quick to take the brief opportunity to say something important (or, at least, mildly amusing). I respect that. Then again, I've never owned or managed a restaurant or bar . . . . if I had, I would probably be more inclined to view such lavatory sribblings as "property damage," rather than "art." Oh well.

On Friday night, while I was admiring the work of various bathroom stall artists as I answered nature's call at a local dive bar, my eyes zeroed in on one particular piece of graffiti that was inspiring not so much in its depth of reflection as its perfect simplicity.

The bathroom stall engraving read: BUSH SUCKS SATAN'S COCK

Instantly, I wondered how someone could have so much disdain for Gavin Rossdale's mediocre mid 90's Brit alt rock band. I mean, perhaps their music was not groundbreaking, but then again they never really aspired to be Sonic Youth, Nirvana, or some similarly genre-defining act. More than that, "Glycerine" was a respectable power ballad in its own right. Perhaps, the bathroom artist was a closet Gwen Stefani worshipper and could only express his/her maelstrom of jealousy and rage through the above expression of pure aggression.


Then, it occurred to me, maybe this restroom "speech" was not directed at Mr. Rossdale at all. Of course, what was I thinking? How absurd. The answer was right in front of me.....literally.....the USA Today Sports page was lying on the ground in front of the toilet bowl....the headline read: BUSH AND USC BREAK IRISH HEARTS.



OF COURSE!!! The bathroom artist was a Notre Dame fan lamenting the fact that the USC Trojans, led by Heisman hopeful Reggie Bush recently stunned the South Bend faithful by coming from behind in the last minute of one of the most amazing games in recent NCAA history. Perhaps the artist was the organizer of the Brady Quinn for Heisman campaign and was trying to drum up some support for his candidate by slinging some mud at So-Cal's prodigal son. (Sorry, Matt Leinart).

That's when it finally hit me......like a ton of bricks. I ran my fingers over the bold engraving.....the word "SATAN" was imprinted especially deep into the rusted wall of the stall. This was no ordinary engraving, accomplished with a Bic pen or a keychain bottle opener......this art was the product of a very large and very sharp instrument.....something akin to pruning sheers. In fact, the sweet and sour smell of freshly cut grass emanated from the deep grooves (I'm not going to lie, I was pretty proud of this find....I felt like I was living out my own personal CSI episode).

The artist was not a jealous Gwen admirer, or a vengeful Notre Dame alum, but rather a disgruntled gardener, fed up with his lot in life. He/she was tired of manicuring other people's yards, of constantly trimming, and shaping, and generally beautifying the landscape which adorned the rows and rows of upscale suburban dwellings. In a fit of rage, fresh off a particularly taxing afternoon of pruning overgrown shrubbery, the bathroom artist sculpted his masterpiece:


BUSH SUCKS SATAN'S COCK

The gardener clearly never wanted to see another bush/tree/shrub/plant in his/her life. The bathroom "art" instantly took on new meaning to me. It was about the deep divisions of class in this country. It was about taking control of one's life....taking a stand against prejudice and socio-economic oppression. The gardener had used the tools of the working class to take a stand against his/her oppressor.

I exited the restroom with a renewed faith in the common man/woman. Art is what you make it. I, for one, hope that bathroom stalls continue to serve as community canvases for our collective revolt against that which separates and destroys us.

BUSH SUCKS SATAN'S COCK

Yes, indeed.

I'm Totally LOST

Am I the only person who does not like the ABC television show "LOST"? Everywhere I go people are talking incessantly about this show:






"Did you watch 'Lost' last night?"

"Yeah, I wonder who the 'Others' are?"

"I don't know, but I think it has something to do with the number 7."

"Maybe, but did you notice that the midget on a tricycle had a medallion with a symbol just like the one on the tail of the airplane?"

"Wow, I never noticed that....that's why the show is SOOOOO great!!!"

The above is but one example of the routinely RIDICULOUS conversations I hear at the water cooler (metaphorically speaking, of course) about "LOST" on a daily basis (or, at least every Thursday morning).

Seriously though, "LOST" has to be the most unfulfilling hour of television ever. In one hour, the plot advances 12 minutes....maybe. Last week, we learned that the Korean couple first met when they literally bumped into each other, and that Michael really misses his son Walt. THAT'S IT. That is ALL that we learned...unless of course you were one of the select few that noticed the fact that the fat guy is actually getting fatter.

Every week it's the same damn thing. The Party of Five guy sweats a lot and seems concerned, the Hobbit guy pines after the blonde chick, the old bald guy acts like my creepy middle school P.E instructor, and everyone participates in an uspoken agreement to react to ALL bad news in the exact same fashion.......extreme close up, look of utter fear, ominous music....wait for it, wait for it.....BOOM....barely audible, in a desperate tone ...."THE OTHERS."

From now one, every time I come across the show "LOST," I will immediately see what's on the OTHER networks........for example, I'm perfectly content watching a "FRIENDS" rerun.....at least I know that every episode is going to be about Ross and Rachel's pathetic romance....I don't expect anything more. You see, television is about eliciting expectations and delivering.....I'm still waiting for "Lost" to deliver.

A.J. Strikes Out, Again

Chicago White Sox catcher A.J. Pierzynski celebrates his first world series appearance.














"Body shots, anyone?"

"Why, certainly."




God, I wish I didn't give up baseball at age 13. No one told me that body shots were an option. I feel robbed.

Thanks to Deadspin for locating these gems.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to Carpal Tunnel

Blackberry thumb is apparently the tennis elbow of our generation. In our effort to stay "connected," we're doing extraordinary harm to our...thumbs.

And will the world ever be the same after this next shocking revelation?:

Specialists say the thumb -- considered by many as an island because it is set apart from the other fingers -- is among the least dexterous digit and is not meant to be rigorously worked out

I imagine a room full of "specialists" endlessly debating what type of geographic land mass is analagous to a thumb. There had to be a researcher that, when faced with the suggestion that the thumb was, in fact, an island, pounded his fist on the table and screamed, "by God, it's a PENINSULA...and I don't want to hear another word about it."

So, take care of your thumbs people. Gamers, hitchhikers,thumb wrestlers, and blackberry abusers of the world....you have been warned.

Kill All the Lawyers.....With Guns

In case you haven't noticed, its now en vogue to support pro-corporate legislation by suggesting that radical measures are needed to fend off greedy trial lawyers and curb frivolous lawsuits. Now, the pro-gun lobby is a House vote away from succeeding in its effort to shield gun manufacturers and dealers from liability lawsuits. The gun nuts are dialing up the rhetoric in the hope that the average citizen will blindly accept the improper characterization of consumer attorneys as shameless and predatory.

Officials of the N.R.A. have been confident but cautious about the bill's prospects in the House. The group called the Senate passage a "great victory and a vitally important first step toward ending the anti-gun lobby's shameless attempts to bankrupt the firearm industry through reckless, predatory lawsuits."

Read the entire NY Times article

It's quite laughable that the N.R.A. throws around the moniker "anti-gun lobby" as if it was some sort of scarlet letter. More importantly, where is the proof supporting the contention that a torrent of frivolous lawsuits are bankrupting the gun business, or any businesses for that matter? These attacks on consumer attorneys are intellectually dishonest and nothing more than a disguised attempt to persuade American consumers to rubber stamp a neo-conservative, pro-corporate agenda.

Do some misguided trial attorneys file ill conceived lawsuits? Sure......but this does not support the Draconian step of enacting legislation banning ALL lawsuits against manufacturers, distributors, and sellers of firearms.

In an era in which political dialogue too often devolves into rigid absolutes, it is time to force our leaders to drop the slippery slope rhetoric and support their arguments with actual facts. How novel.

Surprise.....Bush Knew Something!

The Daily News has broken a pretty big story.....Bush KNEW (two years ago, might I add) that Karl Rove was involved in the deliberate outting of a CIA covert operative. In fact, at the time, Bush was furious at Rove for being so sloppy. However, this contradicts what Bush said publicly in September 2003 when he denied knowledge that anyone in his administration was responsible for leaking classified information.

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I am Sisyphus. This blog is my rock. It's time to start pushing.