WWE Takes a Stand -- Against its Continued Existence

World Wrestling Entertainment announced today that it will institute random drug testing of its wrestlers. In the wake of the recent death of WWE Superstar Eddie Guerrero, the sports-entertainment company bowed to public pressure and decided to ensure its immediate irrelevance.

This is akin to MTV announcing that the new season of "The Real World" will consist of a diverse group of 70 year old geriatrics living in Palm Springs, CA who "stop being polite, and start wearing adult diapers". Or the Insane Clown Posse trading in colorful makeup and metal-rap for cardigans and shoe-gazing emo slop. Or NBC deciding to make a version of the "Apprentice" without Donald Trump....oh wait.

Never has a media company made a decision more dentrimental to its continued viability. Wrestlers use steroids. Wrestlers travel the country year round from city to city, drinking their faces off, chomping on amphetamines and generally turning themselves into gigantic, maniacal, nearly indecipherable masses of rage and sexual ambiguity. Well, those days have passed.

Apparently WWE's CEO, Vince McMahon, cares so much about the health of his wrestlers, that he's willing to sabotage the enterprise that he has pioneered for decades. Except....there is one problem. Has anyone looked at the 60 year old McMahon....his physique is on par with Barry Bonds' head as the clearest example of the physical transformation wrought by steroids.


It's like Bill Gates banning nerds from working at Microsoft. Or George Bush refusing to appoint wealthy, narrow minded people to his cabinet. Mr. McMahon has put himself in a very difficult situation.

The "reality" of Mr. McMahon's lifelong experiment has always been a sticking point for him. But when his employees start to die around him, he is left with no choice but to willingly expose the orchestrated reality of wrestling, and intentionally rob the "sport" of the very qualities which have contributed to its appeal for decades.

Some people will probably applaud the implementation of drug testing in the WWE. However, those people are not true wrestling fans. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, has known for years that professional wrestlers are creative in their use of "supplements," but only now, when someone dies, does the public act like its some sort of revelation, and call for a quick and effective response.

I'm sure that some of those people, like me, used to sit around their television on Saturday mornings with their "Hulkamaniac" T-shirts and cheer for their favorite superstar with reckless abandon. But now, as grown ups, those same people likely deny this fact, and refuse to admit that they too were complicit in the acceptance of widespread steroid use in professional wrestling.

I can't wait to turn on the TV a few years from now and see two slender, 175 pound grapplers, politely, and articulately discussing their disdain for each other. Now that's ENTERTAINMENT!