Mixed Signals

I absolutely despise the phrase "sending mixed signals," because those who routinely employ this phrase simply prefer black and white explanations to what are quite clearly gray situations. I, on the other hand, am all about mixed signals...I've mixed more signals than a third base coach.

Those who complain about receiving mixed signals generally fall into three camps: 1) people who are simply too immature or ignorant to realize the subtleties and/or complexities of a given situation; 2) people who have been emotionally hurt and are merely hoping to stall the inevitable and/or arouse guilt in those that have hurt them; and 3) people who, while quite aware of the complexity of the situation, feign ignorance of said complexity in order to effectuate some sort of an agenda.

The important thing to remember is that "mixed signals" should not be confused with "hypocrisy." Mixed signals are a natural occurence, a mere consequence of being inquisitive, ambitious, compassionate, complicated and opinionated...in other words, of being human. Hypocrisy, on the other hand, is not about being human at all...rather, it's about paying lip service to a certain ideal while contemporaneously failing to uphold that ideal.

Here are some fun examples of the three above categories:

Category One: The Immature and Ignorant

Actually, since this category is solely comprised of people who are too dense to grasp the significance or import of any complicated situation, I'll elect not to come up with a clever example. Why make fun of the ignorant? I have no beef with them.

Category Two: The Hurt and Helpless

Now, here we go. Failed relationships are fertile ground for "mixed signal" accusations. Breakups are never easy, especially where one party is likely to be blindsided. However, inevitably, when a person is dumped, they will respond with something like "I don't understand how last week you took me to the wine country, and told me you loved me, and drew me a handmade birthday card, and then this week you need space...how can you change so quickly? I don't understand you." Believe me, I've been on both sides of this equation.

When you've been hurt, you immediately begin searching for what you may characterize as inconsistencies in your partner's behavior....ie. "how could you say/do this, and then turn around and say/do this?...At least one of your words/actions MUST be a lie!!!" It's a type of passive emotional violence which routinely surfaces as a last ditch effort to either a) guilt your partner into changing their mind, or b) punish them for hurting you.........neither of which are very desireable in the end.

Let's be honest with ourselves...romantic relationships are rarely, if ever, straightforward and effortless. Stick two moody, complex, sexual creatures together in a committed relationship and you will have yourself a case study in contradiction. When a person simultaneously desires "connection" and "freedom" you will inevitably throw off a few "mixed signals."

We are conflicted creatures. As far as I'm concerned there is nothing inconsistent about telling your partner that you love them, and then one minute later lamenting the fact that you can't jump the bones of the sexy coed that passes you on the sidewalk. There is nothing inconsistent about cooking your girlfriend dinner and, while seasoning the chicken, silently doubting whether you'll ever marry her. Show me someone who is 100% positive about and confident in their romantic relationship, and I'll show you a damn liar.

In the context of relationships, mixed signals are a healthy phenomenon. Who wants to date a passionless automoton whose intentions are as transparent as her lip gloss? So, here is my pledge...the next time a girl breaks up with me, I promise not to accuse her of sending "mixed signals" and I promise not to attempt to make her feel guilty or ashamed by suggesting that she must have been deceitful regarding her true feelings. I'll just assume that everyone else is as messed up in the head as me, and give them the benefit of the doubt.

Also, for those I may have hurt, please don't try to point out my inconsistencies. I'm well aware of them. But, if you must, please keep it to a mimimum. As a matter of fact, I'll carry a stopwatch. I will give each girl I break up with exactly one hour to expose all of my contradictions. No more, no less. You're on the clock. Use your time wisely.

I will have patience with the immature and the hurt, but no patience whatsoever for the disingenuous. Speaking of which.....

Category Three: The Disingenuous and Deceptive

Just look at Public Enemy Number One, George W. Bush, and his recent pronouncement that Democratic lawmakers are sending "mixed signals" to both our troops in Iraq and our terrorist enemies. Mr. Bush is suggesting that if Democratic legislators who authorized the war against Iraq now take a position against the war, then they are necessarily sending "mixed signals" to our troops overseas, and are somehow inviting a terrorist attack.

What Mr. Bush does not understand or, perhaps more accurately, pretends not to understand, is that when the very factual premise underlying a decision or impulse is fundamentally altered, then it is natural, if not necessary, to change one's course.

This is how it works.

Factual Premise: Iraq has weapons of mass destruction, and plans to use them.

Decision: Authorize war against Iraq.

Altered Factual Premise: Oops, maybe Iraq does not have weapons of mass destruction.

Reflection upon earlier decision: Wow, I certainly regret authorizing war against a nation when, in fact, the very reason for doing so has been undermined by recent facts / disclosures.

This is what rational people do. They adapt when new information comes to light. But Mr. Bush does not want to adapt. He likes to think in absolutes. You're with me or against me. You love freedom or you hate freedom. It's the equivalent of a 4 year old playing tag and screaming "no take backs." "You said you support the war, so you're stuck with that, and if I hear anything else, I'll accuse you of jeopardizing the lives of the young men that I sent off to fight this sham war."

This is where "mixed signals" come in. Mr. Bush relies on this phrase because he does not accept adaptation. He chooses to ignore the evolution of ideas and events, and hopes to polarize America into two factions of his own creation: those who support the war, and those who hate our troops and don't mind if they are killed. Raise your hand if you don't like being in the latter group? Well, too bad, that's where you go if you speak out against any aspect of the Iraq war.

More importantly, do you honestly think that there are any soldiers in Iraq who, while in the heat of battle, are thinking to themselves..."man, I can't believe that Senator so-and-so changed his mind regarding the legitimacy of this war. Yesterday when I was walking through the desert and failing to find WMD's I was really excited about being here, and felt like I had a sense of purpose, but now that a congressperson has decided to lead an investigation into the manipulation of intelligence, I've lost all motivation, and think I will lay down my weapon and cry alligator tears."

Of course not. But this is exactly what the "mixed signals" rhetoric is supposed to make us believe.

And how about the terrorists who are allegedly being sent "mixed signals"?" Do you think that a member of Al Qaeda is sitting in his cave and thinking "you know, I was about to give up this whole Jihad nonsense because America just seemed totally united and strong, a virtual military Goliath, but now that their legislators have developed the backbone to challenge their despot regarding his misinformation campaign, I really think we have a chance now...in fact, now that Bush is plummeting in the polls, I might as well strap this dynamite to my chest and head west."

Again, not likely.


Let's stop playing dumb. Let's stop pretending that we don't understand the subtleties of a situation. Let's put our own pride and stubborness aside and realize that we live in a world full of mixed signals. In short, let's acknowledge that everyone else is just as fucked up as we are. That will take us a long way.