If Urinals Could Talk

I love reading bathroom stall graffiti. For every "Brad was here," and "Call Kelly at (310) 472-33XX for a good time," you're bound to come across a "War is not the answer." These bathroom "artists" know that they have a captive audience, and are quick to take the brief opportunity to say something important (or, at least, mildly amusing). I respect that. Then again, I've never owned or managed a restaurant or bar . . . . if I had, I would probably be more inclined to view such lavatory sribblings as "property damage," rather than "art." Oh well.

On Friday night, while I was admiring the work of various bathroom stall artists as I answered nature's call at a local dive bar, my eyes zeroed in on one particular piece of graffiti that was inspiring not so much in its depth of reflection as its perfect simplicity.

The bathroom stall engraving read: BUSH SUCKS SATAN'S COCK

Instantly, I wondered how someone could have so much disdain for Gavin Rossdale's mediocre mid 90's Brit alt rock band. I mean, perhaps their music was not groundbreaking, but then again they never really aspired to be Sonic Youth, Nirvana, or some similarly genre-defining act. More than that, "Glycerine" was a respectable power ballad in its own right. Perhaps, the bathroom artist was a closet Gwen Stefani worshipper and could only express his/her maelstrom of jealousy and rage through the above expression of pure aggression.


Then, it occurred to me, maybe this restroom "speech" was not directed at Mr. Rossdale at all. Of course, what was I thinking? How absurd. The answer was right in front of me.....literally.....the USA Today Sports page was lying on the ground in front of the toilet bowl....the headline read: BUSH AND USC BREAK IRISH HEARTS.



OF COURSE!!! The bathroom artist was a Notre Dame fan lamenting the fact that the USC Trojans, led by Heisman hopeful Reggie Bush recently stunned the South Bend faithful by coming from behind in the last minute of one of the most amazing games in recent NCAA history. Perhaps the artist was the organizer of the Brady Quinn for Heisman campaign and was trying to drum up some support for his candidate by slinging some mud at So-Cal's prodigal son. (Sorry, Matt Leinart).

That's when it finally hit me......like a ton of bricks. I ran my fingers over the bold engraving.....the word "SATAN" was imprinted especially deep into the rusted wall of the stall. This was no ordinary engraving, accomplished with a Bic pen or a keychain bottle opener......this art was the product of a very large and very sharp instrument.....something akin to pruning sheers. In fact, the sweet and sour smell of freshly cut grass emanated from the deep grooves (I'm not going to lie, I was pretty proud of this find....I felt like I was living out my own personal CSI episode).

The artist was not a jealous Gwen admirer, or a vengeful Notre Dame alum, but rather a disgruntled gardener, fed up with his lot in life. He/she was tired of manicuring other people's yards, of constantly trimming, and shaping, and generally beautifying the landscape which adorned the rows and rows of upscale suburban dwellings. In a fit of rage, fresh off a particularly taxing afternoon of pruning overgrown shrubbery, the bathroom artist sculpted his masterpiece:


BUSH SUCKS SATAN'S COCK

The gardener clearly never wanted to see another bush/tree/shrub/plant in his/her life. The bathroom "art" instantly took on new meaning to me. It was about the deep divisions of class in this country. It was about taking control of one's life....taking a stand against prejudice and socio-economic oppression. The gardener had used the tools of the working class to take a stand against his/her oppressor.

I exited the restroom with a renewed faith in the common man/woman. Art is what you make it. I, for one, hope that bathroom stalls continue to serve as community canvases for our collective revolt against that which separates and destroys us.

BUSH SUCKS SATAN'S COCK

Yes, indeed.