A California law has taken effect today which bans the use of handheld phones while driving. This law was intended to improve public safety. But, if you ask me, it is really meant to curb public annoyance. And by public I mean ME. And by annoyance I mean my proclivity for ROAD RAGE (which is something I'm really trying to work on, but no amount of yoga classes or Tao Te Ching meditations will fully eradicate that furious seed within me which blooms every time I am obstructed by a driver more concerned with their trivial after-work chat than actually getting to where they are going).
I am less concerned that folks talking on their phone while driving will cause an accident than I am that they will inexplicably decelerate to a speed well below the posted speed limit and keep me from going where I'm trying to go. OR, that as a consequence of being on the phone, they will forget that they need to turn right until the very last moment and then suddenly hit their blinker, creep into my lane, forcing me to hit my breaks, and then turn right in front of me without so much as a wave. Come on! At least have the common decency to give me a wave! People underestimate the importance of the "Sorry, I suck ... you're the best" wave.
This got me thinking. If the legislature is going to start regulating cell phone use in order to alleviate my profound annoyance, here are some other laws I will be recommending to my state Assemblyman:
1. No talking on your cell phone at the food/drink counter. Just order your damn food, pay, and move aside. The person taking your order doesn't want to hear your one-sided, unnecessarily loud phone conversation, and neither do I. I just want to order my bagel. I'm hungry. So get with the program pal.
2. If your phone rings in the middle of a movie, you get the electric chair. No three strikes. Just zap!
3. If you are in a waiting room (or any other place where there is a crowd of people who are just sitting silently), you are not allowed to speak on your phone. Just step outside. Why should the rest of us, who are politely flipping through National Geographic and US Weekly have to listen to you argue with your wife about who is picking up the kids from soccer?
4. Wait until you get off the elevator to make that call. Seriously, I'm claustrophobic as it is. I don't need you bellowing some inane bullshit in my ear while I'm contemplating my own death.
5. Don't answer a call or check a text message (or worse, send a text message) while you are engaged in a meaningful face to face conversation with someone without at least excusing yourself and apologizing. I can't tell you how many times I'm in mid-sentence, and someone grabs their phone, reads a text, laughs, and starts writing a reply test, all while casually nodding their head and pretending to be following what I'm saying. I can live with people that acknowledge their rudeness, but I have little patience for folks that act rudely and then try to pass themselves off as expert multi-taskers.
6. I have a great idea for a ringtone: ring, ring....ring, ring. Ingenious right? Why do people feel like they have to use an excruciatingly loud, abrasive pop song as their ring tone? Unless Justin Timberlake is calling you, please don't use his shitty songs as your ringtone. Next thing you know, they will start selling Miley Cyrus microwave "finished cooking" alerts. Nothing says "popcorn done" like the vocal stylings of America's favorite hillbilly waif.
Are you listening Assemblyman Ted Lieu? Sure, I'm concerned about alternative fuels, and health care, and education. But, if you could just do something about the cell phone etiquette, we'd really be in business.
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