I HATE THE FOURTH OF JULY

No, I'm not trying to be some radical left wing contrarian who disses any outward expression of patriotism. I happen to think that patriotism, in small reasonable doses, is healthy for any citizenry.

What I cannot stand are FIREWORKS, CROWDS and PARADES.... which, in my estimation, form the real Axis of Evil.

FIREWORKS are loud, dangerous and really uninspiring. I live in Venice Beach, Califorina, which adds to my disdain for fireworks. I live in a neighborhood in which shootings occur regularly (not as regularly as they did 10, or even 5, years ago...but still). In the days leading up to the 4th of July, and the days following it, the Venice night is filled with the POP-POP-POP of firecrackers. These sound remarkably like gunshots. I literally flinch every time I hear it. I'm being totally serious. 2 years ago a bullet was actually lodged in the exterior wall of my apartment building.

Every year somebody gets their hand blown off or is blinded in a fireworks mishap. It's just silly. Somewhere Benjamin Franklin, one of the founding fathers of this nation, is shaking his head and wondering how lighting off an "ATOMIC GEYSER" is emblematic of a nation's patriotism. He should know...he has been electrocuted. It doesn't feel good.

Even the big fireworks shows are lame. OOOOOOHHHHHH. AAAAAHHHHHH. Seriously? Unless you are a pyromaniac, a child, or are mentally disabled, what is so interesting about shiny fire in the sky? We live in a country where people would rather watch a fireworks show than look at the Milky Way..... 'Screw the observatory, I want to see things go boom!!!'

Perhaps I'm in the minority on this. Maybe I'm like the 4th of July version of Scrooge, but I just don't think that brightly colored explosions are beautiful or captivating in any way. However, when you think about it, given that the Los Angeles sky is too polluted to see any celestial bodies, perhaps fireworks are the closest thing we will ever see to an actual shooting star.

CROWDS are another reason I dislike the 4th of July. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I dislike people. People can be fine. But crowds...that's a different story. I'm not talking about a bunch of people on the escalator at the mall. I'm talking about the hordes of people that cram the beaches on 4th of July weekend... its an orgy of traffic, cameras, sunscreen, pit bulls, beer, umbrellas, boomboxes, blankets, barbecues and screaming children. It's a total shit show. It's hot. It's stressful. And as the heat and stress mount (aided by alcohol)...by about mid-afternoon, people start doing really dumb shit.

People will set up blankets and chairs hours before the fireworks show, just to get a good spot. And they try to save spots. Just attempt to encroach on their city of blankets and canopies... the penalty is death.

PARADES are another reason why I detest the 4th of July. For one thing, Parades draw crowds (see above). But, it's more than that. I just do not get the allure of a parade. Okay, maybe I understand a victory parade when the home team wins a big championship, but I'm not talking about that kind of parade. I'm talking about the kind of parade that will dominate every 4th of July celebration in almost every town across this nation on the 4th of July. I'm talking about shriners on mopeds. I'm talking about high school marching bands. 4H clubs. Rodeo clowns. Flat bed trucks with amateur rock bands on the back. Politicians waving madly with frozen smiles. Karate students marching with their dojo. Stuff like that.

Not that any of these things necessarily annoy me in and of themselves. It's just that, why do they need to walk slowly down the street while we cheer in order for it to be a true celebration of our nation's independence? I'm all for celebrating our nation's freedom, uniqueness and unmitigated success. I just do not see how watching an old guy ride a moped with a funny hat celebrates any of those things.

I love my country. I might disagree with the way it is run sometimes. But I absolutely relish the fact that I was fortunate enough to be born here. I'm all for celebrating that. I celebrate it when I vote. I celebrate it every time I sit down to a meal. I celebrate it every time I write a post such as this on a public blog. I celebrate it every time I read a news story about rampant poverty, hunger and civil war in far off nations.

I can express love without celebrating Valentine's Day and I can express patriotism without celebrating the 4th of July.