Thursday, March 30, 2006

SILENCE IS GOLDEN


Say what you will about Scientologists, but they may be on to something with this "Silent Birthing" thing. In recent months, it has been near impossible to silence Tom Cruise....whether mounting a crusade against psychiatry or cartoonishly praising his Rosemary bride, Mr. Cruise has been quite -- ahem -- "vocal" in recent months.

However, the Cruise-Holmes miracle offering is scheduled for arrival any day now, and that can only mean one thing......extended silence. Am I alone in hoping that Ms. Holmes is in labor for, oh, I don't know....say, maybe two weeks or so? Is that asking too much?

I can just imagine Mr. Cruise jumping on a couch, silently waving his arms (perhaps with a ball-gag in his mouth), preparing to receive his doomed newborn. One immediately thinks of Jor-El wrapping Kal-El in brightly colored, tin foil swaddling clothes preparing the child for his predetermined destiny.

It has been widely reported that Mr. Cruise's "friends" were spotted carrying several posters into the Cruise compound, one of which read “Be silent and make all physical movements slow and understandable.” To that, I can only say THANK YOU. Thank you Scientology for finally telling Mr. Cruise what the entire world has wanted to tell him to his face for the past year.

BE SILENT AND MAKE ALL PHYSICAL MOVEMENTS SLOW AND UNDERSTANDABLE!!!

Couldn't have said it better myself.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

DIAMOND-ENCRUSTED CANCER


The Make-A-Wish Foundation has helped one 14 year old girl's dreams come true. Well, not really. I mean, they aren't going to cure her cancer or anything. Or assist her family with medical bills. BUT, they are allowing her to glimpse what life is like when you're a dim, trust-fund slut.




As The Insider reports:

It's every girl's dream to visit PARIS HILTON's closet, and today the heiress is making one little girl's birthday dreams come true.


Following an afternoon milling about Ms. Hilton's 40,000 square foot closet, and trying on an assortment of diamond tiaras (and assorted skank-wear) , the young cancer patient was taken "shopping on Rodeo Drive at upscale boutique Kaje, jeweler Mikimoto and over to the world-famous JOSE EBER salon for hair and makeup."

Ms. Hilton, noticeably proud of her philanthropy, made the following remarks:

"It's too bad that you can't cure cancer with antibiotics, because that stuff works. I'm just flattered that her cancer wish was to watch me shop. I mean, I do that anyways. But its nice to know that I can inspire people to stop having diseases sometimes."

Be careful what you wish for.


Wednesday, March 22, 2006

THE APOCALYPSE OF ONLINE DATING


I have never tried online dating. However, my friends tell me that it's not all that bad. Well, after hearing the horrific news that JOAN RIVERS recently created a MATCH.COM profile in the hopes of reeling in Mr. Right, you can rest assured that I will do my dating the old fashioned way....drunk and desperately in a bar.

What lonely, misguided shell of a man searches a sea of MATCH.COM profiles looking for a 72 year old wax creature, whose career profile consists of "stands on carpet and murders the English language," "criticizes attractive people," and "shamelessly promotes untalented daughter"?

A Joan Rivers dating profile is like a Joseph Stalin Commemorative, Humanitarian Award ..... hideously paradoxical.