BUSH DAUGHTERS ORDERED TO CUT FALLOPIAN TUBES

On Friday, the Supreme Court ordered that the Bush twins, Jenna and Barbara, be immediately sterilized. Quoting the 1927 Supreme Court decision of Buck v. Bell, the High Court ruled that the Bush twins "[are] the probable potential parent[s] of socially inadequate offspring, likewise afflicted, that [they] may be sexually sterilized without detriment to [their] general health and that [their] welfare and that of society will be promoted by [their] sterilization."

Further quoting the majority opinion of the esteemed Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. from the seminal case of Buck v. Bell, the Court sternly warned that "THREE GENERATIONS OF IMBECILES ARE ENOUGH."

Many Supreme Court commentators expressed a lack of surprise regarding the Court's strongly worded opinion.

"It's clearly in the best interests of the country that the Bush legacy be terminated. They are sweet girls, but we just can't take the chance of those genes being passed to future leaders of this great nation," explained one Washington D.C. appellate lawyer on condition of anonymity.

In perhaps the most pointed excerpt from today's opinion, the Court once again quoted from Buck v. Bell in reasoning that:

"It is better for all the world, if instead of waiting to execute degenerate offspring for crime, or to let them starve for their imbecility, society can prevent those who are manifestly unfit from continuing their kind."

In a somewhat startling break from recent tradition, the nine Justices on the Supreme Court all concurred in the majority opinion mandating the sterilization of the Presidential daughters. New Bush appointee, John Roberts, drafted the nine page opinion.

Stallone Set to Film 'Cobra 2'

Will someone please tell Sylvester Stallone to stop making movies. I thought that he had already gotten the hint, but apparently not.

Not only is Sly set to star in ROCKY VI but he has now announced that he is set to reprise his role as RAMBO

Who asked for this? Please tell me. So that I can stab them in the eyeball with a carpenter's tool ... perhaps an awl, or an auger bit.

Stallone is currently optioning several scripts, all of which he penned last weekend, in one furious stream of consciousness experiment:

"STOP! OR MY MOM WILL SHOOT, AGAIN"


"TANGO AND CASH STRIKE BACK"

and....

"REALLY OVER THE TOP!"

In related news, Frank Stallone, Sly's affable brother, is set to star in "DEATH BLOW II: BLOWN HARDER"

Fun With Bush

I've decided to be Patrick Bateman (from American Psycho) for Halloween. In searching the internet for costume inspiration, I stumbled upon this:



I've finally concluded that there is not a single Bush picture that I don't find funny. Maybe if there was a picture of him abusing a child or something, that would not be funny. But I might snicker a bit.

Payback is a Bitch!

It was recently reported on this blog that the White House publically took exception to The Onion's use of the Presidential seal on its website. Hoping to distract attention from the impending criminal indictments against White House staff, the Bush Administration decided, pathetically, to attack a political parody web magazine.

Well, The Onion strikes back....hard.

Trick or Treat...Or Not

Earlier today, a suicide was mistaken for a halloween decoration.

The apparent suicide of a woman found hanging from a tree went unreported for hours because passers-by thought the body was a Halloween decoration, authorities said.

The 42-year-old woman used rope to hang herself across the street from some homes on a moderately busy road late Tuesday or early Wednesday, state police said.

The body, suspended about 15 feet above the ground, could be easily seen from passing vehicles.

State police spokesman Cpl. Jeff Oldham and neighbors said people noticed the body at breakfast time Wednesday but dismissed it as a holiday prank. Authorities were called to the scene more than three hours later.

Sad, ironic, and shamefully funny!

The White House Takes a Stand

The White House has finally issued a statement condemning the very scandal which, for months, has plagued the Bush Administration.

White House spokesman Trent Duffy said people who work in the executive mansion do have a sense of humor, but not when it comes to breaking regulations.

The Administration has finally ended its silence on an issue which threatened to divide the House of Bush, and which was likely to have significant political ramifications for the 2008 presidential election.

You must be asking yourself, "has the Bush Administration finally stepped up and acknowledged the inappropriate, dare I say 'treasonous,' conduct of key White House advisors Karl Rove and Scooter Libby?"

Well, no. Not so much. But......they did take a stand against political humor website The Onion for improperly displaying the Presidential Seal along side clever parodies lambasting Mr. Bush.

"When any official sign or seal is being used inappropriately the party is notified," the White House said on wednesday.

Kind of a case of the pot calling the kettle black, wouldn't you say. Given the mess that the White House currently finds itself in, it's quite interesting that they are levelling threats against The Onion for allegedly 'tarnishing' the Office of the President. Hasn't Mr. Bush already tarnished it enough?

When pressed for comment, Mr. Bush simply stated: "I don't like Onions. They make you cry. And crying ain't no fun for no one."

BUSH IS A LOSER: Hypothetically Speaking

Its the latest craze sweeping the nation...its been touted by one observer as "therapy for liberals," and another left-leaning pundit remarked that "its the only thing that will help me get through the next three years." What is the political cure-all that has these savvy politicos craving for more?

It's.........The Hypothetical Election!!!

Those liberals still reeling from the November 2004 re-election of W. can now rejoice in the fact that if the election happened today, Bush maybe.... probably.... could have.....potentially.... lost.

A majority would vote for a Democrat over President Bush if an election were held this year, according to a CNN/USA Today/Gallup Poll released Tuesday.

In the latest poll, 55 percent of the respondents said that they would vote for the Democratic candidate if Bush were again running for the presidency this year.

Thirty-nine percent of those interviewed said they would vote for Bush in the hypothetical election.

Democrats are beginning to seem confident that the Bush White House is imploding, paving the way for a Democratic victory in 2008.

It kind of reminds me of the beginning of every single "Friday the 13th" movie. The new group of Crystal Lake Camp counselors sit around an open fire, roasting marshmallows, wearing short shorts, and passing around a flask of whiskey, when one cute blonde says, "hey, have you guys heard about this place? About Jason? He was this kid, you see, who was killed and supposedly buried at the bottom of the lake. Rumor has it that he awakens every camp season and torments the campers and counselors." Pause.....silence......then everyone bursts into laughter, passes around a joint, and proceeds to get cut to ribbons by Jason before the movie is over. THE END.


That's how I feel about how the Democrats approached the last presidential election, and how I fear that they will approach the next. You see, the Democrats are those wide-eyed, ambitious camp counselors. And Bush, of course, is the murderous Jason. The counselors are a young, close-knit group that simply assume that Jason is dead because he's at the bottom of the lake. They remember reading local newspaper articles about how he dismembered previous counselors but, afterall, how could he possibly rise again with all the bullets he took in the last movie?

Right now, the Democrats are sitting around the bonfire that is the GOP. The fire keeps getting brighter as each new log is thrown into the inferno.......FEMA.......Rove.......Cheney......Iraq casualties.......Miers. The Democrats are roasting their marshmallows and laughingly dismissing the legend of W. They're thinking..."This summer is going to be cake.....we're basically going to be running this place."

That was their first mistake, because like Jason, the GOP seems to be impervious to bullets, knives, weed whackers, disc sanders, blow torches, darts, and pitch forks.

My message is this: Whenever I would watch those "Friday the 13th" movies, I would scream out at the TV...."No, he's not dead...don't be silly....why would there be a sequel if he was just going to lie there dead? Arm yourselves. Don't sleep. Don't eat. Don't try to have sex with the hot swimming instructor. Just load yourself up with ammo, come up with a plan, get organized, and brace yourself for yet another battle against evil."

That is the same advice I have for the Democratic Party. This is not the Final Chapter. Keep your guard up. Get organized....and for the love of God, do not wander into the darkness alone!

A Depressed Drunk Does Not a Poet Make

So, I was cleaning out my email inbox recently, and I came across a poem that I wrote and then emailed to myself awhile back. Now, I'm not much of a poet to begin with, but to make matters worse, I wrote this poem when I was depressed, and more than slightly drunk. I laughed out loud when I re-read it...it quite possibly may be the worst poem ever written.

If the Lifetime Network wanted to make a made-for-TV movie about a depressed, failing artist, and they enlisted a bunch of washed up, hack television writers to slap together a poem for the protagonist to drunkenly utter during the climax of the second act, THAT poem would be T.S. Eliot's "The Waste Land" compared to my steaming pile of crap poem.

I figured that if I was going to spend so much time in this blog making fun of other people, I should, for purposes of remaining "fair and balanced," poke a little fun at myself.

So, without further adieu, I shamefully give you this:

SO REAL

I descend once again into my comfortable prison

Whiskey is my mattress, beer my pillow

The television flickers in the background

Cold pizza crust stamped into an unkept rug

Heavy eyelids the only weight left

Popsicle heart, pudding brains

Night after night

Nothing but reality

I wish I could tell you "just kidding guys, I wrote the poem this morning as a joke and thought it would be fun to pretend that I wrote it as a serious attempt at something meaningful." No such luck.

It is what it is ---- an absolutely true and honest attempt by a depressed, cubicle-confined, white collar drone to pretend to be the poet that I would have been had I not been so bad at poetry all my life.

People, in case you didn't know, humility is the new arrogance. Except when humility is all you have.

Pharmacists: Our New Moral Leaders

AMERICAblog has located yet another occurence of a pharmacist with a God complex. These can no longer be dismissed as mere isolated incidents...they are becoming a trend. Here is the situation: pharmacists are refusing to provide lawfully prescribed birth control pills and other contraception to certain individuals based exclusively on the pharmacists' own religious objections to the drugs. (ie. objections to premarital sex, abortion, etc.)

The most recent instance of this phenomenon was in Tucson, Arizona.

After a sexual assault one recent weekend, a young Tucson woman spent three frantic days trying to obtain the drug to prevent a pregnancy, knowing that each passing day lowered the chance the drug would work.

While calling dozens of Tucson pharmacies trying to fill a prescription for emergency contraception, she found that most did not stock the drug.

When she finally did find a pharmacy with it, she said she was told the pharmacist on duty would not dispense it because of religious and moral objections.

This story breaks on the heels of recent reports that numerous Target pharmacists have refused to fill presrciptions for birth control over recent months on allegedly "moral" grounds.

Planned Parenthood is attempting to get persons involved in highlighting and hopefully ending this discriminatory practice.

I don't care which side of the aisle you're one --- when a woman carrying a valid prescription for important, legal drugs is turned away from a pharmacy because the pharmacist personally condemns that woman's choice of lifestyle, something has gone horribly, horribly wrong.

I really don't have anything to add to other blogs that have already commented upon this disturbing phenomenon. It's interesting that our nation spends so much time obsessed with the President's Supreme Court appointments, fearful that it will spell the end of ROE v. WADE, yet the real threat to women's reproductive rights comes not from a woman in a black robe, but a person in a white lab coat who bestows medication only upon the righteous.

The Sun Will Not Set

The inevitable renewal of the USA Patriot Act has been accomplished without any real challenge.

The provisions of the far-reaching legislation which were scheduled to sunset have been unanimously reapproved by the House and Senate.

The USA Patriot Act, designed intitially as an immediate response to the purportedly growing threat of terrorism in a post-9/11 world, has been used and widely abused by law enforcement and prosecutors over the past several years.

Perhaps the most enduring justification for the Patriot Act is that it merely extends the same tools previously available against organized crime and drug dealers to terrorists. But this misleads. Repeated declarations by Administration officials that wiretaps could not previously be obtained against terrorists are simply false. Wiretaps could always be obtained for criminal investigations of terrorists. The Patriot Act expanded the legal grounds for roving wiretaps, in particular, to also make them available to the FBI under the separate counterintelligence authority (and lower standards) of the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act.

These broader surveillance powers can now be used even against innocent Americans not suspected of any crime or terrorism. And by importing the foreign intelligence powers previously available only against spies and terrorists into the domestic criminal context, the Patriot Act grants authorities broad and constitutionally dubious new muscle to use as they see fit.

The FBI's and CIA's history, along with the significant recent reports about investigation and harassment of peace groups, dissenters and organizations like the ACLU, should give us pause about uncritically accepting the deceptive rationalizations--especially with the political polarization and powerful new surveillance technologies available today.

However, take heart in the fact that Big Brother is receiving opposition from at least one vocal group. The librarians are fed up with the government's persistent use of administrative subpoenas, known as National Security Letters, to demand library records without court approval or judicial supervision.

One librarian, known only to us as "John Doe" has successfully challenged the Patriot Act's authority in United States District Court. However, unfortunately, a gag order has issued that will prevent Mr. Doe from disclosing his identity or otherwise publicly discussing his experience with the Patriot Act's draconian provisions pending the government's appeal to the Second Circuit Court of Appeals.

In fact, the American Library Association and the Freedom to Read Foundation recently joined with the Association of American Publishers and the American Booksellers Foundation for Free Expression to file an amicus brief before the Supreme Court supporting John Doe's request for immediate relief from the gag order imposed upon him. On October 7, 2005, the Supreme Court rejected Doe's application for emergency relief. Consequently, Doe was prevented from participating in the exceedingly important recent Congressional dialogue regarding the renewal of the Patriot Act.

It is crucial that we keep a watchful eye on the Second Circuit Court of Appeals and its upcoming decision regarding the constitutionality of the Patriot Act. More importantly, Doe v. Gonzales may indeed become the case which squarely places this divisive issue before the United States Supreme Court.

"Fear And Trepidation"

Okay, so we all know by now that President Bush nominated his attorney, Harriet Miers, to replace Sandra Day O'Connor on the United States Supreme Court. Liberals and Conservatives alike were a bit taken aback by Bush's appointment of a seemingly inexperienced, yet loyal, Texas crony to the nation's highest court.

However, even more troubling than Miers' perceived inexperience and obvious indebtedness to the Bush Dynasty, may be the fact that the Religious Right has publicly considered supporting Miers' nomination strictly based upon "private assurances" provided to high profile right wing leaders by the Bush White House.

Thankfully, the Senate Judiciary Committee has said NOT SO FAST

The Committe is troubled by the remarks of Focus on the Family founder James C. Dobson who,when discussing his questionable support for Miers, recently hinted:

"When you know some of the things that I know -- that I probably shouldn't know -- you will understand why I have said, with fear and trepidation, that Harriet Miers will be a good justice."

I'm sorry, but what the hell does that mean? Why is this Dobson nutjob privy to "things he probably shouldn't know" regarding Ms. Miers. I'm curious. Is she a robot programmed by Karl Rove, and controlled with a joystick? Has she been sent to the United States by God as some sort of divine inspiration to rid us of homosexuals, unwed pregnant mothers, and other "undesireables."

Folks, the legal landscape of this country is being determined by well-timed leaks, and backroom deals. I fully understand that the nomination of a Supreme Court Justice is an inherently political act. I've checked my political innocence at the door, but come on, this is getting ridiculous. When the director of Focus on the Family knows more about one of the (potentially) most powerful judges in the world than the very people who's lives will be shaped by her judicial opinions, we have abandoned all hopes of a legitimate democracy.

Our leaders no longer pretend to separate Church and State. However, they can at least do us the favor of discussing their religious designs in an open and public forum. Is that too much to ask?

If Urinals Could Talk

I love reading bathroom stall graffiti. For every "Brad was here," and "Call Kelly at (310) 472-33XX for a good time," you're bound to come across a "War is not the answer." These bathroom "artists" know that they have a captive audience, and are quick to take the brief opportunity to say something important (or, at least, mildly amusing). I respect that. Then again, I've never owned or managed a restaurant or bar . . . . if I had, I would probably be more inclined to view such lavatory sribblings as "property damage," rather than "art." Oh well.

On Friday night, while I was admiring the work of various bathroom stall artists as I answered nature's call at a local dive bar, my eyes zeroed in on one particular piece of graffiti that was inspiring not so much in its depth of reflection as its perfect simplicity.

The bathroom stall engraving read: BUSH SUCKS SATAN'S COCK

Instantly, I wondered how someone could have so much disdain for Gavin Rossdale's mediocre mid 90's Brit alt rock band. I mean, perhaps their music was not groundbreaking, but then again they never really aspired to be Sonic Youth, Nirvana, or some similarly genre-defining act. More than that, "Glycerine" was a respectable power ballad in its own right. Perhaps, the bathroom artist was a closet Gwen Stefani worshipper and could only express his/her maelstrom of jealousy and rage through the above expression of pure aggression.


Then, it occurred to me, maybe this restroom "speech" was not directed at Mr. Rossdale at all. Of course, what was I thinking? How absurd. The answer was right in front of me.....literally.....the USA Today Sports page was lying on the ground in front of the toilet bowl....the headline read: BUSH AND USC BREAK IRISH HEARTS.



OF COURSE!!! The bathroom artist was a Notre Dame fan lamenting the fact that the USC Trojans, led by Heisman hopeful Reggie Bush recently stunned the South Bend faithful by coming from behind in the last minute of one of the most amazing games in recent NCAA history. Perhaps the artist was the organizer of the Brady Quinn for Heisman campaign and was trying to drum up some support for his candidate by slinging some mud at So-Cal's prodigal son. (Sorry, Matt Leinart).

That's when it finally hit me......like a ton of bricks. I ran my fingers over the bold engraving.....the word "SATAN" was imprinted especially deep into the rusted wall of the stall. This was no ordinary engraving, accomplished with a Bic pen or a keychain bottle opener......this art was the product of a very large and very sharp instrument.....something akin to pruning sheers. In fact, the sweet and sour smell of freshly cut grass emanated from the deep grooves (I'm not going to lie, I was pretty proud of this find....I felt like I was living out my own personal CSI episode).

The artist was not a jealous Gwen admirer, or a vengeful Notre Dame alum, but rather a disgruntled gardener, fed up with his lot in life. He/she was tired of manicuring other people's yards, of constantly trimming, and shaping, and generally beautifying the landscape which adorned the rows and rows of upscale suburban dwellings. In a fit of rage, fresh off a particularly taxing afternoon of pruning overgrown shrubbery, the bathroom artist sculpted his masterpiece:


BUSH SUCKS SATAN'S COCK

The gardener clearly never wanted to see another bush/tree/shrub/plant in his/her life. The bathroom "art" instantly took on new meaning to me. It was about the deep divisions of class in this country. It was about taking control of one's life....taking a stand against prejudice and socio-economic oppression. The gardener had used the tools of the working class to take a stand against his/her oppressor.

I exited the restroom with a renewed faith in the common man/woman. Art is what you make it. I, for one, hope that bathroom stalls continue to serve as community canvases for our collective revolt against that which separates and destroys us.

BUSH SUCKS SATAN'S COCK

Yes, indeed.

I'm Totally LOST

Am I the only person who does not like the ABC television show "LOST"? Everywhere I go people are talking incessantly about this show:






"Did you watch 'Lost' last night?"

"Yeah, I wonder who the 'Others' are?"

"I don't know, but I think it has something to do with the number 7."

"Maybe, but did you notice that the midget on a tricycle had a medallion with a symbol just like the one on the tail of the airplane?"

"Wow, I never noticed that....that's why the show is SOOOOO great!!!"

The above is but one example of the routinely RIDICULOUS conversations I hear at the water cooler (metaphorically speaking, of course) about "LOST" on a daily basis (or, at least every Thursday morning).

Seriously though, "LOST" has to be the most unfulfilling hour of television ever. In one hour, the plot advances 12 minutes....maybe. Last week, we learned that the Korean couple first met when they literally bumped into each other, and that Michael really misses his son Walt. THAT'S IT. That is ALL that we learned...unless of course you were one of the select few that noticed the fact that the fat guy is actually getting fatter.

Every week it's the same damn thing. The Party of Five guy sweats a lot and seems concerned, the Hobbit guy pines after the blonde chick, the old bald guy acts like my creepy middle school P.E instructor, and everyone participates in an uspoken agreement to react to ALL bad news in the exact same fashion.......extreme close up, look of utter fear, ominous music....wait for it, wait for it.....BOOM....barely audible, in a desperate tone ...."THE OTHERS."

From now one, every time I come across the show "LOST," I will immediately see what's on the OTHER networks........for example, I'm perfectly content watching a "FRIENDS" rerun.....at least I know that every episode is going to be about Ross and Rachel's pathetic romance....I don't expect anything more. You see, television is about eliciting expectations and delivering.....I'm still waiting for "Lost" to deliver.

A.J. Strikes Out, Again

Chicago White Sox catcher A.J. Pierzynski celebrates his first world series appearance.














"Body shots, anyone?"

"Why, certainly."




God, I wish I didn't give up baseball at age 13. No one told me that body shots were an option. I feel robbed.

Thanks to Deadspin for locating these gems.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to Carpal Tunnel

Blackberry thumb is apparently the tennis elbow of our generation. In our effort to stay "connected," we're doing extraordinary harm to our...thumbs.

And will the world ever be the same after this next shocking revelation?:

Specialists say the thumb -- considered by many as an island because it is set apart from the other fingers -- is among the least dexterous digit and is not meant to be rigorously worked out

I imagine a room full of "specialists" endlessly debating what type of geographic land mass is analagous to a thumb. There had to be a researcher that, when faced with the suggestion that the thumb was, in fact, an island, pounded his fist on the table and screamed, "by God, it's a PENINSULA...and I don't want to hear another word about it."

So, take care of your thumbs people. Gamers, hitchhikers,thumb wrestlers, and blackberry abusers of the world....you have been warned.

Kill All the Lawyers.....With Guns

In case you haven't noticed, its now en vogue to support pro-corporate legislation by suggesting that radical measures are needed to fend off greedy trial lawyers and curb frivolous lawsuits. Now, the pro-gun lobby is a House vote away from succeeding in its effort to shield gun manufacturers and dealers from liability lawsuits. The gun nuts are dialing up the rhetoric in the hope that the average citizen will blindly accept the improper characterization of consumer attorneys as shameless and predatory.

Officials of the N.R.A. have been confident but cautious about the bill's prospects in the House. The group called the Senate passage a "great victory and a vitally important first step toward ending the anti-gun lobby's shameless attempts to bankrupt the firearm industry through reckless, predatory lawsuits."

Read the entire NY Times article

It's quite laughable that the N.R.A. throws around the moniker "anti-gun lobby" as if it was some sort of scarlet letter. More importantly, where is the proof supporting the contention that a torrent of frivolous lawsuits are bankrupting the gun business, or any businesses for that matter? These attacks on consumer attorneys are intellectually dishonest and nothing more than a disguised attempt to persuade American consumers to rubber stamp a neo-conservative, pro-corporate agenda.

Do some misguided trial attorneys file ill conceived lawsuits? Sure......but this does not support the Draconian step of enacting legislation banning ALL lawsuits against manufacturers, distributors, and sellers of firearms.

In an era in which political dialogue too often devolves into rigid absolutes, it is time to force our leaders to drop the slippery slope rhetoric and support their arguments with actual facts. How novel.

Surprise.....Bush Knew Something!

The Daily News has broken a pretty big story.....Bush KNEW (two years ago, might I add) that Karl Rove was involved in the deliberate outting of a CIA covert operative. In fact, at the time, Bush was furious at Rove for being so sloppy. However, this contradicts what Bush said publicly in September 2003 when he denied knowledge that anyone in his administration was responsible for leaking classified information.

Welcome Home

I am Sisyphus. This blog is my rock. It's time to start pushing.