Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Gays Want Escorts........Ford Escorts!


Reversing its recent controversial decision, Ford Motor Company announced today that it will once again place advertisements for its vehicles in gay newspapers and magazines. Less than a week ago, Ford removed all advertisements from gay publications after being criticized by the right-wing American Family Association for pandering to sodomites and sinners.

However, in a blow to the gay population, Ford announced that it would only market its "high end" Jaguar and Land Rover vehicles to gays. This ignited a firestorm amongst the gay, lesbian, and transgendered community, who feel that they are being unfairly deprived of the opportunity to sample from Ford's extensive line of exceptionally built vehicles. A representative of the California based Association of Homosexual Ford Enthusiasts, issued the following statement:

"The gay population is frankly dismayed that Ford, a great American car maker, would deprive our community of the opportunity to sample from the entire spectrum of fine Ford automobiles. Sure, Jags and Land Rovers are great and all, but what about the Ford Focus, Ford Escort, and F250 Super Duty? Let's put it this way, unless and until Ford begins marketing their shitty cars in every f#%cking magazine in West Hollywood, they will be the target of boycotts and parades. Ford professes that all of its vehicles are "Built Ford Tough," but I guess they're not built tough enough for gays, huh.....the hypocrisy is astounding!"

Evidently, Ford has messed with the wrong interest group. Next time you see a homosexual rolling down the street in a 1987 Ford Falcon, remember this day in Civil Rights history.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Arnold v. Tookie




V.












Forget requests for clemency. Forget last minute pleas to the U.S. Supreme Court. The debate regarding whether to spare the life of Tookie Williams could have been settled quite easily, if the powers that be had simply listened to my suggestion: A no-holds-barred wrestling match between Tookie and the Governator. Except not the 60 year old gents we saw plastered on the news yesterday, but rather the 25 year old Arnold and Tookie of yesteryear. It could have been a pay per view event, with all of the money raised going to a special trust set aside for legal defense of the poor. If Tookie pins Arnold, then Tookie gets to live (life in prison, but still, at least it's a life). If Arnold pins Tookie, then Arnold can personally inject Tookie with the lethal chemicals designed to end his life. Now, that sounds fair. Right? More importantly, who wouldn't want to see that?

Monday, December 12, 2005

Everything is Perfectly Fine


Tired of the "depressing" news coming out of the world's foremost television, print, and online news sources?

Well, you now have an alternative..... HappyNews.com!!! It's news for people who prefer reading stories about "U.S. troops rescuing two cheetah cubs in Ethiopia" and the "induction of 12 people into the Hall of Fame for Caring Americans," as opposed to "bummer" stories about secret U.S. prisons, global warming, and the ever-increasing threat to a woman's right to choose. In other words, its news for people who choose to live in denial....people who spend their afternoons watching Oprah, and their evenings watching "reality" television.

That's right, the very same people who tune in to "The Bachelor" and "Nanny 911" because they are "real" have now elected to forego "real" news for stories with headlines like "Emily, the stowaway cat, is coming home." I've read the Book of Revelation, and I am fairly certain that this is one of the early preconditions for the Apocalypse.

Who wants to hear about massive General Motors layoffs and the record-setting pace with which the United States is executing its prisoners when one can read an editorial entitled "Cupcakes vs. Cookies: You be the Judge."

My only question is, what happens when an epic natural disaster strikes, such as the Tsunami of earlier this year? When a quarter of a million people lose their lives, how can the HappyNews.com editor honestly suggest that "Blind Student Learns to Play Volleyball" deserves a frontpage headline?

Monday, December 05, 2005

WWE Takes a Stand -- Against its Continued Existence

World Wrestling Entertainment announced today that it will institute random drug testing of its wrestlers. In the wake of the recent death of WWE Superstar Eddie Guerrero, the sports-entertainment company bowed to public pressure and decided to ensure its immediate irrelevance.

This is akin to MTV announcing that the new season of "The Real World" will consist of a diverse group of 70 year old geriatrics living in Palm Springs, CA who "stop being polite, and start wearing adult diapers". Or the Insane Clown Posse trading in colorful makeup and metal-rap for cardigans and shoe-gazing emo slop. Or NBC deciding to make a version of the "Apprentice" without Donald Trump....oh wait.

Never has a media company made a decision more dentrimental to its continued viability. Wrestlers use steroids. Wrestlers travel the country year round from city to city, drinking their faces off, chomping on amphetamines and generally turning themselves into gigantic, maniacal, nearly indecipherable masses of rage and sexual ambiguity. Well, those days have passed.

Apparently WWE's CEO, Vince McMahon, cares so much about the health of his wrestlers, that he's willing to sabotage the enterprise that he has pioneered for decades. Except....there is one problem. Has anyone looked at the 60 year old McMahon....his physique is on par with Barry Bonds' head as the clearest example of the physical transformation wrought by steroids.


It's like Bill Gates banning nerds from working at Microsoft. Or George Bush refusing to appoint wealthy, narrow minded people to his cabinet. Mr. McMahon has put himself in a very difficult situation.

The "reality" of Mr. McMahon's lifelong experiment has always been a sticking point for him. But when his employees start to die around him, he is left with no choice but to willingly expose the orchestrated reality of wrestling, and intentionally rob the "sport" of the very qualities which have contributed to its appeal for decades.

Some people will probably applaud the implementation of drug testing in the WWE. However, those people are not true wrestling fans. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, has known for years that professional wrestlers are creative in their use of "supplements," but only now, when someone dies, does the public act like its some sort of revelation, and call for a quick and effective response.

I'm sure that some of those people, like me, used to sit around their television on Saturday mornings with their "Hulkamaniac" T-shirts and cheer for their favorite superstar with reckless abandon. But now, as grown ups, those same people likely deny this fact, and refuse to admit that they too were complicit in the acceptance of widespread steroid use in professional wrestling.

I can't wait to turn on the TV a few years from now and see two slender, 175 pound grapplers, politely, and articulately discussing their disdain for each other. Now that's ENTERTAINMENT!

Friday, December 02, 2005

Hot For Teacher


Two California High School students were expelled this week for writing in their private journals that they desired to burn their teacher alive.

They didn't stop there:

The entries refer to gluing the teacher naked to a wall and cutting off her feet, and killing her family while she watches, according to court documents that quote partial excerpts.

I'm sorry, but this is the type of creative writing that we should be encouraging. If someone were to uncover my high school journal, it would probably look something like this:

"Today I asked Kelly to the dance but she's already going with Kevin which sucks because she's so hot but it's okay because I know that Sarah will always go with me but I'm not sure I really want to go with her so maybe I'll just stay home and play Nintendo instead. Anyways, don't have much time to write today 'cause we have a science club meeting ....BORING....but whatever!"
Plus, maybe the teacher is a real bitch. Did anyone think of that? Huh?