Tapping Out

Recently, I was sent to Des Moines, Iowa on business. I say "sent" because, after visiting Des Moines, I am fairly certain that no one who resides in sunny Southern California VOLUNTARILY flies to Iowa in the middle of February. It just doesn't happen.

Please do not take this as regional elitism, but there is absolutely NOTHING to do in Des Moines, aside from eating steak, farming, working in the insurance industry, watching television, and participating in and/or supporting high school athletics. In other words, I was completely happy to shut myself up in my hotel for two nights, and catch up on some emails, rather than immerse myself in the "culture" of Des Moines, Iowa.



Well, not everything went according to planned. Despite my best efforts to stay removed from all that is Iowa, I could not hold Iowa at bay. I did not come to Iowa. Iowa came to me. As it turns out, I happened to be in Des Moines at exactly the same time as the Iowa State High School Wrestling Championships. To make matters more interesting, the wrestlers and their "supportive" families were all staying at my hotel.

Now, in Los Angeles, you could have an NCAA Title Game, a television awards show, the X-Games, a marathon, an air show, and a Presidential visit all occuring in the same afternoon, and no one would bat an eyelash. This is not the case in Iowa. In Iowa, the State High School Wrestling Championship is the Super Bowl, Academy Awards, Olympics, and moon landing all wrapped into one.

The state of Iowa is typified by family gatherings, the celebration of shared values, and the folkloric hero worship of local athletes. Nothing reflects this stark reality more than the State High School Wrestling Championships.

Let's put it this way. If you want to really understand Los Angeles, spend a lazy tuesday afternoon at a West Hollywood cafe, drinking a soy latte with your overpaid stylist, discussing whether the $300 bandana you just purchased accentuates your new tribal tattoo, all while having an argument with your agent on your Blackberry. If you want to understand Des Moines, just buy a ticket to the wrestling championships.

To describe my experience at the Embassy Suites in Des Moines, Iowa as absolute bedlam would be a profound understatement. It was more like an epic hybrid of a three ring circus, Roman gladiator competition, frat party, and Fourth of July backyard barbecue. It was the type of controlled, communal anarchy that can only occur in places where everyone thinks and acts alike; where the celebration of common experiences and beliefs is its own form of rebellion. If you asked the state of Iowa what it was rebelling against, it would probably say "everyone not from Iowa."

(side note: I noticed a very interesting phenomenon in Iowa --- the number of people who wear items of clothing with the word "IOWA" emblazoned on them is staggering. Hats, jackets, sweatpants.....a sea of IOWANS more concerned with geographical identification than brand names. I found this both unsettling and admirable, for all the obvious reasons.)

My hotel was abuzz with acne-covered grapplers, their coaches, enthusiastic cheerleaders, and hundreds of other parents, siblings, and friends simply content to comprise the rooting section. Homemade signs were posted on the hallway bannisters and throughout the atrium, offering words of encouragement such as "Take Home the Trophy Trevor!" and "Show No Mercy Billy!" Cheerleaders roamed the hallways in packs of 5 or 6, pretending not to notice the wrestlers, and yet giving themselves away instantly with hushed giggles, and awkward smiles.


The younger brothers and sisters of the wrestlers, hopeful to one day be the object of their parents' pride and attention, stalked the hallways like ferral creatures, hijacking the elevators, and racing through the lobby as part of an elaborate game of intra-hotel hide-and-go-seek. It was Like "Mad Max: Beyond Des Moines" ..... there was no oversight, no rules, just the pageantry and spectacle of high school wrestling.

This was no ordinary weekend. This was State Championship weekend. Or so I was reminded at 2 am, when a team of wrestlers began screaming some type of tribal warrior chant in front of my hotel room.

The wrestlers were not alone. Their families hung from the rafters of the hotel, equipped with ice chests and bullhorns, thrilled to be a part of it all. It was a frenzy of Coors Light and Lee Jeans. Two parts rodeo, one part family reunion, and one part religious service. It was unlike anything I'd ever seen. I didn't know whether to call the front desk, or shout "Hallelujah!"

That's when it occurred to me. In the middle of a sleepless night, isolated and alone, seeking deliverance from Red America, I was being taught a lesson. A lesson about fanship. About community.

I've crowded into a luxury box at Staples Center and clapped my hands in appreciation for Kobe Bryant's remarkable abilities. I've sat at Dodger Stadium and watched Eric Gagne pitch a dominant 9th inning (or rather, listened from my car after leaving in the 7th inning), but I've never in my life known what it means to be a true sports "fanatic." There is a large segment of this country, predominantly in the midwest and south, in which professional sports (NFL, MLB, NBA, NHL) are the minor leagues . . . the afternoon matinee preceding the main event. And that main event is high school sports.

I sat in my hotel room thinking that, while these people might not remember who won the AFC championship this year, or what player was taken first in the NBA draft lottery, they will ALWAYS remember the name of the kid who won the 145 pound weight class at the state championships in 2006. The outcome of the World Series, the results of the Indy 500, the drama of the Super Bowl ... all paled in comparison to whether Kennedy High School beat Hudson High School on a friday night in a dimly lit high school gymnasium.

Awake in the middle of the night, I was awfully close to dismissing these Iowans as bad parents. Underage drinking. Kids running through the halls. Teenagers treating the Embassy Suites like their personal jungle gym. But then it occurred to me ... the very fact that these parents were there, at this hotel, offering uncompromising support for their sons, was admirable. They took time off work, saved money, cancelled plans, fundraised, and made the journey to Des Moines to attend this once-a-year event. This was their Super Bowl. Their World Series.

I put in earplugs and went back to sleep, feeling almost guilty that I had spent an hour online emailing my friends about how unbearable the hotel patrons had become. The Wrestling Championships were the biggest show in town, and I was the ONLY one not excited about it. I was in the minority. No time for west coast pretention.

Make no mistake, in the end I was quite happy to return home to Venice Beach, CA. But I returned with a new perspective on what it means to be a fan. For Iowans, sports heroes don't make eight-figure salaries, and they don't sign endorsement deals. If you didn't make your name in an Iowa High School, then Iowa has no use for you.

Iowa certainly has no use for me.

DOWN TO EARTH

Why do so many people believe that by describing their personality as "down to earth," they are somehow making themselves sound more appealing? Similarly, why is it that so many hopeful romantics, when describing their hypothetical "ideal" companion, inevitably include the attribute of...."down to earth"? If you do not believe me, just check the personal ads. One would think that our planet's gravitational pull had been significantly altered judging by the number of desperate people who claim to be VERY down to earth. I do not know who started this, but please stop. Seriously.

The last thing in the world that I EVER want to be is down to earth. And I assure you, my ideal mate is VERY far from earth . . . almost extraterrestrial. To those who use and abuse this hollow phrase, I simply ask you . . . what exactly is the opposite of "down to earth"? What are you hoping to avoid? If someone is REALLY NOT down to earth, then what are they like? Do they have wings? Are they magicians? Astronauts? I am absolutely serious. Until someone describes, in detail, a person who is undeniably NOT down to earth, it is hard for me to get a grasp upon this peculiar phrase.

I cannot think of a single bad reason for leaving earth...even if it is only for a brief while. Jumping. Skipping. Climbing. Flipping. Flying. Levitating. Dreaming. Surely these are not the activities of a repulsive human being. So, what am I missing?

I guess it is just another way of saying that you are very "grounded," and would prefer courtship with someone who is similarly "grounded." Again, a hollow phrase. I suppose that it has something to do with our human circuitry....Electricity ALWAYS seeks the quickest path to its source or to the earth. Proper "GROUNDING" provides a certain path for electricity to safely move back into the earth. Ask any electrician, or any physical scientist, and they will tell you that the very purpose of GROUNDING is to ensure SAFETY.

That must be it. If you are "down to earth," then you are someone who plays it safe. Someone who avoids silly risks, because, in the end, you have already found your comfort zone in life. Your niche. You truly KNOW who you are, and feel no need to constantly reinvent yourself everyday. To those of you I've just described, I can only say . . . GOOD FOR YOU . . . now step aside, and let the rest of us . . . those who crave reinvention . . . those who abhor stasis . . . those with a foolish heart . . . to explore the territory you have elected to ignore.

We will send you a postcard from the stratosphere.

PICKING FIGHTS

A memo of a two hour meeting between George W. Bush and Tony Blair on January 31, 2003 has revealed that Mr. Bush made it clear that the U.S. intended to invade Iraq whether or not there was a second United Nations resolution and even if UN inspectors found no evidence of a banned Iraqi weapons program.

Perhaps the most troubling information gleaned from this smoking gun memo is the following:

Mr Bush told Mr Blair that the US was so worried about the failure to find hard evidence against Saddam that it thought of "flying U2 reconnaissance aircraft planes with fighter cover over Iraq, painted in UN colours". Mr Bush added: "If Saddam fired on them, he would be in breach [of UN resolutions]".

Yes, you read correctly. President Bush actually considered painting U.S. fighter planes in UN colors in order to fool Iraq into firing at them, and thereby justifying US retaliation. Faced with poor intelligence regarding weapons of mass destruction, our President actually considered the "he hit me first option," as a way of rationalizing the United States' hostile action against Iraq.

When forced to make the hard choices, our elected leader behaves like a stubborn five year old. Only, this is not a sandbox. It is war-torn, foreign soil. And we are not playing with toys. But rather with missiles.

It is time for all reasonable, dignified Americans to put an end to the tangled web of deception that the Bush Administration has laid for us. We deserve better. We deserve the truth.

WHEN CARTOONS FIGHT BACK!!!

From Afghanistan to Indonesia, tens of thousands of Muslims around the world have launched a series of new protests -- some violent--over cartoons depicting Prohpet Mohammed.

The cartoons, published in the French and Danish Press, were originally commissioned by the Danish newspaper Jyllands-Posten, and have met with extreme backlash from Muslim communities across the globe. Over the weekend, protesters torched embassies of Denmark and Norway.

The aforementioned protests were sparked by the Islamic tenet which forbids any depictions of Mohammed. However, the content of the cartoons themselves have also created quite a stir. For example, one of the cartoons depicts the religious leader wearing a turban shaped like a bomb with a lit fuse.

Now, in a startling turn of events, the cartoon community has chosen to FIGHT BACK. Not since the cancellation of "The Muppet Babies," and subsequent collapse of the Saturday Morning Cartoon lineup have the 'toons united with such fury and force.

Yosemite Sam, President of the "Cartoon Characters Anti-Defamation League," issued the following statement:

"Yer darn 'tootin we're upset. For far too long, we 'toons have fought against the tyranny of hyper-realism and the rigid constraints of religious dogma. I remember back when my character was created, and Southern Baptist congregations were in an uproar over my depiction of the Southern, 'hootin and a 'hollerin lifestyle. Well, we fought back then, and we're gonna fight back now! Some of you young'ins might forget the battle we 'toons waged against the nation of Tazmania after they attempted to censor my dear compadre the Tazmanian devil on the grounds that he allegedly perpetuated xenophobic myths about Eastern European culture. Both Taz and I feel that we have an obligation to come to the defense of our fellow 'toons in this time of increased censorship and fundamentalist fervor."

The 'toons have worked day and night to assemble a group of recognizable faces ... known simply as the "Coalition of the Animated"... to come to the aid of other 'toons in need. In just two short days, the international Coalition has already drawn (no pun intended) the likes of Yosemite Sam, The Tazmanian Devil, Wile E. Coyote, Foghorn Leghorn, Elmer Fudd, Sylvester the Cat, and Pepe Le Pew. The Coalition intends to build its forces rapidly, using grassroots methods to spread its message. The Road Runner and Marvin the Martian have already been enlisted as messengers in the hopes that they may quickly and efficiently appeal to the international and intergalactic cartoon communities for much needed support.

As this article went to press, the Coalition of the Animated was dutifully marching across the Lebanese countryside armed with ACME brand dynamite, a pitchfork, and a hydraulic trampoline. If and when this momentous battle escalates, we will bring you the full story.

LEBRON AND I: Tough as Nails

As I watched the Lakers v. Cavs game last week, it occurred to me that I have a lot in common with Lebron James. Do not laugh. I am serious. Of course, I am not the most versatile NBA guard since Magic Johnson, nor do I possess a single shoe contract, but if you look closer, you will see it. You have to look beyond our physical appearances. Beyond our relative abilities to shoot a basketball. You will have to ignore, for a moment, the fact that Lebron makes his teammates better, whereas I reject the very notion of a teammate. Furthermore, you simply must disregard the fact that Lebron has his very own T.V. commercial, while I, on the other hand, would exchange my left testicle for a S.A.G. card. I am not concerned with such minutiae.

So, I have a confession: I am a chronic nail biter. And, I hasten to add, SO IS KING JAMES. If you have watched merely one quarter of one Cavaliers game this season, you have witnessed Lebron absolutely devouring his fingernails. In fact, his nail biting has become so prolific that he is now a poster child for stopbitingnails.com. At times, Lebron looks absolutely invincible, and yet, when he goes to the bench for a timeout and furiously chews his nails, he resembles a scared boy seconds before his third grade talent show. Last week, Lebron praised Kobe Bryant by explaining that, while he felt he had similar on-court skills as Kobe, he could not yet match Kobe's killer instinct. Well, it is hard to intimidate opponents and garner the absolute trust of your teammates when, with 10 seconds on the clock, you are biting your fingernails while anticipating the final inbounds pass.



Can you imagine if President Bush bit his fingernails during the State of the Union Address? We would certainly have even less faith in him than we do at present....if that is possible. How about if your esteemed heart surgeon commenced chewing his nails before performing a quadruple bypass. This would not inspire confidence, to say the least.

If Lebron truly wants to ascend to the upper echelon of NBA guards, and hang his jersey alongside the likes of Jordan, Magic, and The Big O, he has to kick his nasty habit. NBA immortality comes at a price. You need not be infallible, you must simply appear as such. I do not know this for sure, but I would venture to guess that Jordan maintained perfectly manicured nails. Likewise, I would assume that Jerry West did not exhibit a facial tic everytime he went to the free throw line during crunch time. To truly become a God of the hardcourt, you must shed all of the habits, fears, and psychological crutches that earthbound men uncounsciously rely on throughout their day.

Unless and until Lebron ceases biting the very instruments upon which he shall base his legend, he is just like me. A true NBA immortal does not bite his nails. I bite my nails. And, for the time being, I am merely a legend in my own mind.

Homeless for the Holidays

Every time I pass a homeless person on the street, I silently wonder to myself whether they have a family? When I see a man walking barefoot through a busy intersection while clutching a blue tarp and wet wool blanket, and sporting a beard like a post-apocalyptic birds' nest, I will routinely "invent" a family history for him...like an E! True Hollywood Story, except without the celeb component. Does he have a wife and kids close by, perhaps starving and alone in the back of a van? Is he estranged from his family? If so, how does the family rationalize the fact that they are essentially allowing a blood relative to beg for food and struggle to stave off death?

Well, a story caught my attention a few weeks back, which speaks volumes of the relationship between the homeless and their absentee kin. The family of a homeless man who was shot and killed by a Mighigan State Police Trooper has filed a wrongful death lawsuit against the officer, just one week after the officer was acquitted in a criminal trial. The very family which allowed one of their own to wander the streets of Detroit without food or shelter, has now instituted a lawsuit seeking $10 million in damages for the substantial "loss" they have apparently suffered as a consequence of his untimely death.

I can just imagine the damages portion of this trial, as a tearful mother weeps for her late son on the witness stand, and attempts to convince the jury that while her son was NOT INVITED to Thanksgiving dinner, and routinely steals money from his brother for crack, his loss will forever shatter their lives. The whole country will likely be riveted by this trial, or at least those with close family members who comprise our escalating homeless population. If the trial results in a multimillion dollar verdict, you can be sure that the "families" of homeless men and women will pray that their non-prodigal sons and daughters piss off a cowboy police officer in a dark alley.

Gays Want Escorts........Ford Escorts!

Reversing its recent controversial decision, Ford Motor Company announced today that it will once again place advertisements for its vehicles in gay newspapers and magazines. Less than a week ago, Ford removed all advertisements from gay publications after being criticized by the right-wing American Family Association for pandering to sodomites and sinners.

However, in a blow to the gay population, Ford announced that it would only market its "high end" Jaguar and Land Rover vehicles to gays. This ignited a firestorm amongst the gay, lesbian, and transgendered community, who feel that they are being unfairly deprived of the opportunity to sample from Ford's extensive line of exceptionally built vehicles. A representative of the California based Association of Homosexual Ford Enthusiasts, issued the following statement:

"The gay population is frankly dismayed that Ford, a great American car maker, would deprive our community of the opportunity to sample from the entire spectrum of fine Ford automobiles. Sure, Jags and Land Rovers are great and all, but what about the Ford Focus, Ford Escort, and F250 Super Duty? Let's put it this way, unless and until Ford begins marketing their shitty cars in every f#%cking magazine in West Hollywood, they will be the target of boycotts and parades. Ford professes that all of its vehicles are "Built Ford Tough," but I guess they're not built tough enough for gays, huh.....the hypocrisy is astounding!"

Evidently, Ford has messed with the wrong interest group. Next time you see a homosexual rolling down the street in a 1987 Ford Falcon, remember this day in Civil Rights history.

Arnold v. Tookie

V.











Forget requests for clemency. Forget last minute pleas to the U.S. Supreme Court. The debate regarding whether to spare the life of Tookie Williams could have been settled quite easily, if the powers that be had simply listened to my suggestion: A no-holds-barred wrestling match between Tookie and the Governator. Except not the 60 year old gents we saw plastered on the news yesterday, but rather the 25 year old Arnold and Tookie of yesteryear. It could have been a pay per view event, with all of the money raised going to a special trust set aside for legal defense of the poor. If Tookie pins Arnold, then Tookie gets to live (life in prison, but still, at least it's a life). If Arnold pins Tookie, then Arnold can personally inject Tookie with the lethal chemicals designed to end his life. Now, that sounds fair. Right? More importantly, who wouldn't want to see that?

Everything is Perfectly Fine

Tired of the "depressing" news coming out of the world's foremost television, print, and online news sources?

Well, you now have an alternative..... HappyNews.com!!! It's news for people who prefer reading stories about "U.S. troops rescuing two cheetah cubs in Ethiopia" and the "induction of 12 people into the Hall of Fame for Caring Americans," as opposed to "bummer" stories about secret U.S. prisons, global warming, and the ever-increasing threat to a woman's right to choose. In other words, its news for people who choose to live in denial....people who spend their afternoons watching Oprah, and their evenings watching "reality" television.

That's right, the very same people who tune in to "The Bachelor" and "Nanny 911" because they are "real" have now elected to forego "real" news for stories with headlines like "Emily, the stowaway cat, is coming home." I've read the Book of Revelation, and I am fairly certain that this is one of the early preconditions for the Apocalypse.

Who wants to hear about massive General Motors layoffs and the record-setting pace with which the United States is executing its prisoners when one can read an editorial entitled "Cupcakes vs. Cookies: You be the Judge."

My only question is, what happens when an epic natural disaster strikes, such as the Tsunami of earlier this year? When a quarter of a million people lose their lives, how can the HappyNews.com editor honestly suggest that "Blind Student Learns to Play Volleyball" deserves a frontpage headline?

WWE Takes a Stand -- Against its Continued Existence

World Wrestling Entertainment announced today that it will institute random drug testing of its wrestlers. In the wake of the recent death of WWE Superstar Eddie Guerrero, the sports-entertainment company bowed to public pressure and decided to ensure its immediate irrelevance.

This is akin to MTV announcing that the new season of "The Real World" will consist of a diverse group of 70 year old geriatrics living in Palm Springs, CA who "stop being polite, and start wearing adult diapers". Or the Insane Clown Posse trading in colorful makeup and metal-rap for cardigans and shoe-gazing emo slop. Or NBC deciding to make a version of the "Apprentice" without Donald Trump....oh wait.

Never has a media company made a decision more dentrimental to its continued viability. Wrestlers use steroids. Wrestlers travel the country year round from city to city, drinking their faces off, chomping on amphetamines and generally turning themselves into gigantic, maniacal, nearly indecipherable masses of rage and sexual ambiguity. Well, those days have passed.

Apparently WWE's CEO, Vince McMahon, cares so much about the health of his wrestlers, that he's willing to sabotage the enterprise that he has pioneered for decades. Except....there is one problem. Has anyone looked at the 60 year old McMahon....his physique is on par with Barry Bonds' head as the clearest example of the physical transformation wrought by steroids.


It's like Bill Gates banning nerds from working at Microsoft. Or George Bush refusing to appoint wealthy, narrow minded people to his cabinet. Mr. McMahon has put himself in a very difficult situation.

The "reality" of Mr. McMahon's lifelong experiment has always been a sticking point for him. But when his employees start to die around him, he is left with no choice but to willingly expose the orchestrated reality of wrestling, and intentionally rob the "sport" of the very qualities which have contributed to its appeal for decades.

Some people will probably applaud the implementation of drug testing in the WWE. However, those people are not true wrestling fans. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, has known for years that professional wrestlers are creative in their use of "supplements," but only now, when someone dies, does the public act like its some sort of revelation, and call for a quick and effective response.

I'm sure that some of those people, like me, used to sit around their television on Saturday mornings with their "Hulkamaniac" T-shirts and cheer for their favorite superstar with reckless abandon. But now, as grown ups, those same people likely deny this fact, and refuse to admit that they too were complicit in the acceptance of widespread steroid use in professional wrestling.

I can't wait to turn on the TV a few years from now and see two slender, 175 pound grapplers, politely, and articulately discussing their disdain for each other. Now that's ENTERTAINMENT!

Hot For Teacher

Two California High School students were expelled this week for writing in their private journals that they desired to burn their teacher alive.

They didn't stop there:

The entries refer to gluing the teacher naked to a wall and cutting off her feet, and killing her family while she watches, according to court documents that quote partial excerpts.

I'm sorry, but this is the type of creative writing that we should be encouraging. If someone were to uncover my high school journal, it would probably look something like this:

"Today I asked Kelly to the dance but she's already going with Kevin which sucks because she's so hot but it's okay because I know that Sarah will always go with me but I'm not sure I really want to go with her so maybe I'll just stay home and play Nintendo instead. Anyways, don't have much time to write today 'cause we have a science club meeting ....BORING....but whatever!"

Plus, maybe the teacher is a real bitch. Did anyone think of that? Huh?

Hogging the Road

Two U.S. congressmen were injured today when their vehicle overturned on the way to the Baghdad airport. The congressmen were in Baghdad to meet with U.S. troops during Thanksgiving. It is indeed admirable that these congressmen (one Republican and one Democrat) made this journey to Iraq, a risk that too many politicians are unwilling to take. As these U.S. legislators hurriedly exit war-torn Iraq, one can only hope that our troops follow close behind.

However, one aspect of this roadway accident really stands out in my mind.....specifically, the way that U.S. military and governmental personnel have taken to hogging the roads in Iraq. I'm not sure I've ever encountered a more perfect metaphor for our arrogant world-policing than the following:

The politicians were riding in a box-like vehicle in a convoy. The convoy was taking up the middle of the road, a common practice used by the military to deter oncoming motorists. Shortly after dark, an oncoming truck refused to yield.

This incident is a microcosm of our foreign policy, particularly as it relates to the Middle East. We are playing a global game of "chicken," and we are not about to yield. We own the road. Everyone else is just traveling on it. As we profess to be spreading the values of democracy, cooperation, and mutual respect to Iraqi citizens, we're arrogantly running them off the road. And then we have the audacity to feign amazement at their inevitable road rage.

In the last two weeks we've learned about the existence of secret U.S. prisons in Eastern Europe, the intentional burning of deceased Iraqis, the use of lions to torture detainees, and the shooting of Iraqi civilians by armed contractors. In light of these revelations, it's easy to lose sight of the more subtle forms of aggression and abuse....like the refusal to share the road.

Like soccer moms in suburbans, our government truly owns the road.

Mixed Signals

I absolutely despise the phrase "sending mixed signals," because those who routinely employ this phrase simply prefer black and white explanations to what are quite clearly gray situations. I, on the other hand, am all about mixed signals...I've mixed more signals than a third base coach.

Those who complain about receiving mixed signals generally fall into three camps: 1) people who are simply too immature or ignorant to realize the subtleties and/or complexities of a given situation; 2) people who have been emotionally hurt and are merely hoping to stall the inevitable and/or arouse guilt in those that have hurt them; and 3) people who, while quite aware of the complexity of the situation, feign ignorance of said complexity in order to effectuate some sort of an agenda.

The important thing to remember is that "mixed signals" should not be confused with "hypocrisy." Mixed signals are a natural occurence, a mere consequence of being inquisitive, ambitious, compassionate, complicated and opinionated...in other words, of being human. Hypocrisy, on the other hand, is not about being human at all...rather, it's about paying lip service to a certain ideal while contemporaneously failing to uphold that ideal.

Here are some fun examples of the three above categories:

Category One: The Immature and Ignorant

Actually, since this category is solely comprised of people who are too dense to grasp the significance or import of any complicated situation, I'll elect not to come up with a clever example. Why make fun of the ignorant? I have no beef with them.

Category Two: The Hurt and Helpless

Now, here we go. Failed relationships are fertile ground for "mixed signal" accusations. Breakups are never easy, especially where one party is likely to be blindsided. However, inevitably, when a person is dumped, they will respond with something like "I don't understand how last week you took me to the wine country, and told me you loved me, and drew me a handmade birthday card, and then this week you need space...how can you change so quickly? I don't understand you." Believe me, I've been on both sides of this equation.

When you've been hurt, you immediately begin searching for what you may characterize as inconsistencies in your partner's behavior....ie. "how could you say/do this, and then turn around and say/do this?...At least one of your words/actions MUST be a lie!!!" It's a type of passive emotional violence which routinely surfaces as a last ditch effort to either a) guilt your partner into changing their mind, or b) punish them for hurting you.........neither of which are very desireable in the end.

Let's be honest with ourselves...romantic relationships are rarely, if ever, straightforward and effortless. Stick two moody, complex, sexual creatures together in a committed relationship and you will have yourself a case study in contradiction. When a person simultaneously desires "connection" and "freedom" you will inevitably throw off a few "mixed signals."

We are conflicted creatures. As far as I'm concerned there is nothing inconsistent about telling your partner that you love them, and then one minute later lamenting the fact that you can't jump the bones of the sexy coed that passes you on the sidewalk. There is nothing inconsistent about cooking your girlfriend dinner and, while seasoning the chicken, silently doubting whether you'll ever marry her. Show me someone who is 100% positive about and confident in their romantic relationship, and I'll show you a damn liar.

In the context of relationships, mixed signals are a healthy phenomenon. Who wants to date a passionless automoton whose intentions are as transparent as her lip gloss? So, here is my pledge...the next time a girl breaks up with me, I promise not to accuse her of sending "mixed signals" and I promise not to attempt to make her feel guilty or ashamed by suggesting that she must have been deceitful regarding her true feelings. I'll just assume that everyone else is as messed up in the head as me, and give them the benefit of the doubt.

Also, for those I may have hurt, please don't try to point out my inconsistencies. I'm well aware of them. But, if you must, please keep it to a mimimum. As a matter of fact, I'll carry a stopwatch. I will give each girl I break up with exactly one hour to expose all of my contradictions. No more, no less. You're on the clock. Use your time wisely.

I will have patience with the immature and the hurt, but no patience whatsoever for the disingenuous. Speaking of which.....

Category Three: The Disingenuous and Deceptive

Just look at Public Enemy Number One, George W. Bush, and his recent pronouncement that Democratic lawmakers are sending "mixed signals" to both our troops in Iraq and our terrorist enemies. Mr. Bush is suggesting that if Democratic legislators who authorized the war against Iraq now take a position against the war, then they are necessarily sending "mixed signals" to our troops overseas, and are somehow inviting a terrorist attack.

What Mr. Bush does not understand or, perhaps more accurately, pretends not to understand, is that when the very factual premise underlying a decision or impulse is fundamentally altered, then it is natural, if not necessary, to change one's course.

This is how it works.

Factual Premise: Iraq has weapons of mass destruction, and plans to use them.

Decision: Authorize war against Iraq.

Altered Factual Premise: Oops, maybe Iraq does not have weapons of mass destruction.

Reflection upon earlier decision: Wow, I certainly regret authorizing war against a nation when, in fact, the very reason for doing so has been undermined by recent facts / disclosures.

This is what rational people do. They adapt when new information comes to light. But Mr. Bush does not want to adapt. He likes to think in absolutes. You're with me or against me. You love freedom or you hate freedom. It's the equivalent of a 4 year old playing tag and screaming "no take backs." "You said you support the war, so you're stuck with that, and if I hear anything else, I'll accuse you of jeopardizing the lives of the young men that I sent off to fight this sham war."

This is where "mixed signals" come in. Mr. Bush relies on this phrase because he does not accept adaptation. He chooses to ignore the evolution of ideas and events, and hopes to polarize America into two factions of his own creation: those who support the war, and those who hate our troops and don't mind if they are killed. Raise your hand if you don't like being in the latter group? Well, too bad, that's where you go if you speak out against any aspect of the Iraq war.

More importantly, do you honestly think that there are any soldiers in Iraq who, while in the heat of battle, are thinking to themselves..."man, I can't believe that Senator so-and-so changed his mind regarding the legitimacy of this war. Yesterday when I was walking through the desert and failing to find WMD's I was really excited about being here, and felt like I had a sense of purpose, but now that a congressperson has decided to lead an investigation into the manipulation of intelligence, I've lost all motivation, and think I will lay down my weapon and cry alligator tears."

Of course not. But this is exactly what the "mixed signals" rhetoric is supposed to make us believe.

And how about the terrorists who are allegedly being sent "mixed signals"?" Do you think that a member of Al Qaeda is sitting in his cave and thinking "you know, I was about to give up this whole Jihad nonsense because America just seemed totally united and strong, a virtual military Goliath, but now that their legislators have developed the backbone to challenge their despot regarding his misinformation campaign, I really think we have a chance now...in fact, now that Bush is plummeting in the polls, I might as well strap this dynamite to my chest and head west."

Again, not likely.


Let's stop playing dumb. Let's stop pretending that we don't understand the subtleties of a situation. Let's put our own pride and stubborness aside and realize that we live in a world full of mixed signals. In short, let's acknowledge that everyone else is just as fucked up as we are. That will take us a long way.

Supreme Court Overruled.....By the Senate

Despite a 2004 Supreme Court ruling that prisoners being held at the U.S. prison in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba could challenge their detentions by filing writs of habeus corpus in American courts, the Republican controlled Senate yesterday voted 49-42 to deny prisoners of this right.

Salon reports that:

...Under the provision, Guantanamo Bay detainees would be allowed to appeal their status as an "enemy combatant" one time, to the Circuit Court of Appeals in Washington, D.C. But they would not be able to file petitions known as writs of habeas corpus, which are used to fight unlawful detentions, in that or any other U.S. court...

...In 2004, the Supreme Court said the 500 or so prisoners held there could file habeas corpus petitions in U.S. courts to fight their detentions. Many of the prisoners were captured in Afghanistan and have been held at Guantanamo for several years without being charged...

Commenting upon the Senate's de facto overruling of sound Supreme Court precedent, Elisa Massimino, the Washington director of Human Rights First, stated:

"Depriving an entire branch of government of its ability to exercise meaningful oversight is a decidedly wrong course to take."

This is an extremely significant Senate vote. Not only does the vote overrule the Supreme Court, and raise numerous isses related to Separation of Powers, but it deprives prisoners being held in U.S. controlled prisons of the essential, constitutionally guaranteed right of habeus corpus.

It is irrelevant whether these detainees are in fact guilty of a crime. It is irrelevant whether they once intended to harm America. No one is arguing that their very imprisonment is a threat to liberty. What I am arguing is that if you are going to put suspected terrorists in prison for two years without charging them, and refuse to allow any media or public oversight of their detention, you should at the very least give them proper recourse to challenge their detentions, just as any prisoner in any other U.S. prison would have.

I guess that when our Vice President is openly lobbying Congress to preserve the U.S. government's ability to torture detainees, no one should be surprised that the Senate treats Constitutional rights like leaves in the wind.

Their Skin is So Melty

Remember when our government rushed us to war because Saddam Hussein was allegedly stockpiling chemical weapons. Well, it turns out that in our effort to "liberate" the Iraqis in Fallujah, we've actually been bombarding them with a chemical known as white phosphorus. This chemical quite literally burns the skin off of people. The Italian media, and trusty progressive blog Daily Kos have broken the story.

In a documentary to be broadcast by RAI, the Italian state broadcaster, this morning, a former American soldier who fought at Fallujah says: "I heard the order to pay attention because they were going to use white phosphorus on Fallujah. In military jargon it's known as Willy Pete.

"Phosphorus burns bodies, in fact it melts the flesh all the way down to the bone ... I saw the burned bodies of women and children. Phosphorus explodes and forms a cloud. Anyone within a radius of 150 metres is done for."

I don't know what I'm more upset about...the cruel deaths of Iraqi civilians, or the hypocricy of the U.S. government that killed them. While the former is tragic and sad, the latter is galling to the point of blind rage.

And, as reported at AmericaBlog, the U.S. government's explanation for this conduct is transparent at best:

Phosphorus shells are not outlawed. U.S. forces have used them very sparingly in Fallujah, for illumination purposes. They were fired into the air to illuminate enemy positions at night, not at enemy fighters.

Yeah right, and last time I went camping I used a stick of dynamite as a flashlight. PUUUUHHHLEEEAAASSEEE!!!

I understand that war is ugly. But when we learn that our government has authorized the use of secret prisons and chemical weapons, it is America which truly appears ugly to the world.

Wal-Mart Under Attack...And Deservedly So!

On Tuesday November 8, 2005, a small cargo plane crashed into a Wal-Mart store in Manchester, New Hampshire.

This got me thinking a bit. While one would reasonably assume that this was a complete accident, perhaps pilot error, or adverse weather conditions, there is a part of me that isn't so sure. In fact, I'm going to be the first to go out on a limb and suggest that the pilot intentionally flew the plane into the Wal-Mart store!

For me, the only real question is motive. Who would kamikaze a New Hampshire Wal-Mart?

So, I did some research. It appears that the question isn't so much "who has a grudge against Wal-Mart" as "which one of the various persons who have been harmed by Wal-Mart decided to finally crash a jet into the retail behemoth?"

Here is a list of potential kamikaze pilots, in no particular order.

1. A woman who was recently turned away from a Wal-Mart store because a self-righteous Wal-Mart pharmacist refused to fill her prescription for birth control.

2. A qualified disabled person who has been unfairly deemed unemployable by Wal-Mart executives on the basis that his disability may result in increased health care costs for the company.

3. An immigrant worker hired by the Wal-Mart cleaning department, who was housed in crowded conditions and sometimes forced to sleep in the back of Wal-Mart stores.

4. The director of an Anti Wal-Mart Film entitled "Wal-Mart: The High Cost of Low Price" which will debut on November 15, 2005.

5. A resident of Booneville, MO. who objects to the building of a Wal-Mart Supercenter in her small town.

I'm sure that the above list is not exhaustive as I have no doubt that the number of people negatively affected by Wal-Mart increases every minute. For example, my list does not even include the thousands of small business owners who have been put out of business by the one-stop retail giant Wal-Mart.

We should all lend our support to this fight. I'm not saying we need to fly planes into Wal-Mart stores, but how about some other reasonable alternatives. Like.....signing Planned Parenthood's petition to put a stop to Wal-Mart's refusal to prescribe birth control, supporting unions and other labor organizers in their fight on behalf of exploited workers, supporting legal aid societies that specialize in representing disabled workers who have been discriminated against in hiring, petitioning your representative regarding the inhumane treatment of illegal immigrants.....just to name a few.

Or, better yet, develop and circulate bumper stickers that read "Friends Don't let Friends Shop at Wal-Mart"

What greater sign do we need that Wal-Mart is engaged in unfair practices than objects falling from the sky???

BLAND, SAFE, & UNINSPIRING: The Ashlee Simpsonification of America

A Canadian entertainment news reporter may have just stumbled upon a plausible explanation for American teens' seemingly inexplicable worship of Ashlee Simpson and, in the process, unwittingly shed some light upon America's ever-increasing fascination with mediocrity.

She is neither warm nor cold; neither unattractive nor unusually striking; neither as edgy as her early marketing sold her nor as sexy as the more recent efforts would suggest. She is just ... there.

There you have it. The secret to Ms. Simpson's success is that she has taken no discernible risks, has made no effort to establish her uniqueness, and does not offer any tangible message to her audience. In other words, she has truly found the key to success in America.....don't challenge anything, blend in, accept your mediocrity, and then learn how to effectively market such mediocrity as an asset. This was the same formula used by Karl Rove to install George W. Bush in the White House. Brilliant. Truly brilliant.

Canada, our savvy upstairs neighbor, understands that Ms. Simpson's complete "unremarkability" is the secret behind her success:

...By this point, she could reasonably have been expected to be relegated to playing shopping malls, not just visiting them for autograph sessions as she did later yesterday. In the shadow of her older, blonder sister from the get-go, she briefly appeared slated to become the next Milli Vanilli after the most humiliating musical performance in Saturday Night Live's three-decade history. And yet here she is, mere months after being exposed on national television as a lip-syncer (and questionable jig-dancer), wildly outselling more seasoned artists...

...Ashlee, on the other hand, is sufficiently unimposing that hundreds of thousands of girls can easily imagine being in her shoes...

This cult of mediocrity has so permeated our culture that we barely notice it. We incessantly watch reality television. We increasingly frequent mediocre chain restaurants (Olive Garden, Chipotle, Starbucks) strictly because of their convenience and predictability. We accept a President who utilizes a profoundly limited vocabulary to mask his subversive designs. We sit idly by as our youth are bombarded with paint-by-numbers style, manufactured trend-setting garbage on MTV. And we make Ashlee Simpson the top selling "artist" in America even though her music is thoroughly uninspiring and, better yet, we know that she cheats. In a culture that so quickly forgives (or, ignores) the fact that our President lied to us regarding weapons of mass destruction, is it any wonder that our teens gave young Ashlee a free pass when she got caught lip syncing?

We are all guilty of worshipping mediocrity, whether we acknowledge it or not. How many of us have uttered this phrase: "I really like [him/her/it] because I totally identify with [him/her/it]." WE ALL HAVE. We like to IDENTIFY with persons and things because it makes us feel safe. It's comfortable. It doesn't challenge us in ways that we don't want to be challenged. And it reaffirms our choices.

I ask you this: WHY? Why do we so often define our preferences in art, film, music, politics, etc. in terms of whether we personally identify with the relevant speaker, artist, policy, etc? Don't we want to be challenged to see the world differently? If I wanted someone to identify with, I'd look in the mirror, not to the artists, leaders, and other contributors to the marketplace of ideas. I want music, art, political movements, and the like to grab me by the neck, and give me a swift kick in the ass.

Well, I for one, am taking a vow. I will never, ever, ever again compliment someone or something on the grounds that I identify with it. I need so much more....especially from people that I look to for artistic inspiration and visionary leadership. I don't want to live in KARL ROVE and ASHLEE SIMPSON'S AMERICA. I will no longer let them, or anyone else, get away with marketing mediocrity as an asset. I'm tired of people "keeping it real." I don't want any more reality.

We can do better.

Torture? What's That? Never Heard Of It...

President George W. Bush has defiantly proclaimed that the United States does not torture detainees. Rather, all suspected terrorists are being held at a quaint bed and breakfast in Nothern California's Napa Valley. After a mid-morning brunch to die for, the detainees are treated to a glorious afternoon of aroma therapy, mud masks, and a full body massage at one of Napa's most exclusive day spas with breathtaking views of the scenic countryside.

While the "best behaved" detainees are "treated" to an evening of wine tasting and mouth watering California-French cuisine, the "uncooperative" prisoners are "forced" to drink merlot and eat day-old quiche. The administration is hopeful that this stern treatment will teach the detainees to savor freedom.

The Final Solution: Terrorists Banished to Middle Earth

The United States Government has searched high and low to find the perfect location to secretly stash away accused terrorists. However, it has proven difficult to circumvent national and international laws prohibiting the mistreatment of prisoners and the establishment of clandestine internment camps.

Just when the CIA had abandoned all hope of finding a distant land where suspected terrorists could be secretly interrogated and ritually tortured, President George W. Bush arrived at a simple solution. A final solution.

The following is an exact transcript of a secretly recorded conversation between President Bush and a top White House advisor.

Advisor: "Mr. President, the CIA is expecting you to provide some direction regarding the significant problem of civil liberties and international treaties as they pertain to the ongoing imprisonment and torture of suspected terrorists."

Bush: "You know, I've been thinking about that. There's just nowhere on this planet to stick those prisoners without some group or the other finding out about the whole thing. But I was watching that hobbit movie last night, and I noticed that there ain't no humans in that Middle Earth Place...I thought there was, but then I saw them pointy ears and figured they were aliens or something....but anyway, I reckon if we transport those prisoners to Middle Earth where no one can find 'em, and there ain't no ACLU breathing down your neck, then we can make sure nobody ever finds out about what we've been up to."

Advisor: "Sir, are you being serious right now?"

Bush: "Serious as a heart attack.......oh, sorry 'bout that Dick."

Dick Cheney (having just entered the room): "No Problem. What are you sons of bitches talking about in here?"

Bush: "Well Dick, I think we better send those terrorists off to Middle Earth and stash them in that volcano thing with the big evil eye....you know...the place where Frodo's going to. Let's see some liberal watchdog group find those suckers inside a volcano."

Cheney: inaudible response.

Less than one month after the above communication, the CIA quickly put the President's plan into action. All suspected terrorists (or at least those who looked like they might be) were rounded up and transported to Middle Earth on the back of Gwaihir the Windlord. Halliburton was awarded a series of no-bid contracts to erect a state-of-the art prison deep in the heart of Mordor.

Chained together in the fiery pit of Mordor, under the watchful eye of Sauron, the ancient servant of Morgoth, these prisoners were detained for months on end. It is only due to the brave reporting of the Washington Post that the story of the Mordor Internment Camps have been discovered, and the abuses within finally revealed.

The Washington Post reports:

...The hidden global internment network is a central element in the CIA's unconventional war on terrorism. It depends on the cooperation of foreign intelligence services, and on keeping even basic information about the system secret from the public, foreign officials and nearly all members of Congress charged with overseeing the CIA's covert actions....

...Virtually nothing is known about who is kept in the facilities, what interrogation methods are employed with them, or how decisions are made about whether they should be detained or for how long...

...It is illegal for the government to hold prisoners in such isolation in secret prisons in the United States, which is why the CIA placed them overseas, according to several former and current intelligence officials and other U.S. government officials. Legal experts and intelligence officials said that the CIA's internment practices also would be considered illegal under the laws of several host countries, where detainees have rights to have a lawyer or to mount a defense against allegations of wrongdoing...

...More than 100 suspected terrorists have been sent by the CIA into the covert system, according to current and former U.S. intelligence officials and foreign sources. This figure, a rough estimate based on information from sources who said their knowledge of the numbers was incomplete, does not include prisoners picked up in Iraq...

FOLKS, READ THE WASHINGTON POST ARTICLE.....THIS IS 100% REAL

Every compassionate, patriotic, freedom-loving member of this great nation should rise up and protest this illegal, disgusting abuse of international prisoners! Its time to stand up to Sauron, Saruman, Ugluk, and the Orc army, and demand accountability once and for all.

The CIA, with the express approval of President George W. Bush has gone to great links to find remote, uncharted locations, free of all international laws, to detain, interrogate, and abuse suspected terrorists.

The Washington Post further reports:

...The agency set up prisons under its covert action authority. Under U.S. law, only the president can authorize a covert action, by signing a document called a presidential finding. Findings must not break U.S. law and are reviewed and approved by CIA, Justice Department and White House legal advisers...

...Six days after the Sept. 11 attacks, President Bush signed a sweeping finding that gave the CIA broad authorization to disrupt terrorist activity, including permission to kill, capture and detain members of al Qaeda anywhere in the world...

The Fellowship of the Bush has taken an ugly, dare I say fatal, turn. We only recently learned of the misinformation we were fed by the administration to justify the Iraq War. Now, in the wake of a war that cost over two thousand American lives, we further learn that the President has authorized prisoner abuse in OUR NAME.

It's time to get angry.

Thanks to TL for the tip.

A Supermodel With a Heart

In order to experience what life would be like without an angelic face, perfect skin, sensational breasts, plentiful endorsement deals, and multi-million dollar television contracts, supermodel Tyra Banks recently pretended to be a fat blob for a segment that will soon be aired on her absolutely unwatchable talk show. The brave Ms. Banks dawned a fat suit and was forced to endure the embarrassment of not being perfect.

Tyra described this experiment in humility as "one of the most hearbreaking days of my life." This from a woman who, on November 18, plans to air a segment entitled "Pursuing a Beautiful Booty" on her trainwreck of a talk show.

Thanks Tyra. I'm sure all of the depressed 300 pound women who learn of your heroic feat will applaud your 2 hours of mild discomfort in a fat suit. You already spent an entire episode of your show having a sonogram performed on your breasts to prove they were real. Need you further destroy the self esteem of your viewers (all twelve of them) by "pretending" to look like them for an afternoon.

Next thing you know, Maury Povich will pretend to be a sexually active pre-teen with hepatitis C and Judge Judy will pretend to be a manic-depressive gardener who assaulted a customer when they refused to pay her for her work.

I'm tempted to boycott the next Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue in response to this ridiculous stunt. But I won't. Why punish myself for YOUR mistakes. I will simply tear out the pages on which you appear!!!